You Reap What You Sow

I have been saying this phrase a lot lately... along with trying to decide if I am a horrible daughter.

My sister, G, had called a couple of times on Sunday however we had gone camping this last weekend and didn't get home til later. She finally connected with me around 8:30 p.m. Now you need some background info on my sister and I. We are 11 years apart... she is the oldest out of 7... I am second to last. My mom always had little ones around and underfoot and my sister told me once that she felt more like my mom than my sister. However, by the time I have vivid memories of my sister, she was a late teen and not home much between working McD's and her boyfriends (like Milton... I called him Milton the Toaster.... does anyone remember that commercial?). Then my sister who always had a rough relationship with our mom moved out when she was 18. My little brother and I would get to spend the night at her place sometimes and she was very good about taking us to the zoo and the park. But most of my memories of her always have her as an adult. We were never close like sisters can be.

Then as I became an adult... got married and started having kids. Her life was in chaos. Her marriage of 16 years ended... she hooked up with and married (for 9 months) a man who may not have been particularly good for and to her. She has been a diabetic since 14 and has had many other health issues. Then she started on the meds and it became extremely hard to talk to her. Many times she was "loopy" for lack of a better word. Other times she was angry and combatitive. She could do no wrong... everyone else was though. I pretty much gave up talking to her. When I was in communication with her, I tended to worry too much about her. However, there were many times when she said she wished everyone would just leave her alone and just quit nagging her. So I did... I washed my hands of her. It didn't mean that I didn't love her... I just couldn't sit and watch her sink lower and lower.

So back to my phone call... I was a bit nervous when I had first heard her voice on the answering machine. In the past, you never knew which G you were going to get. I have gotten calls at 2 a.m. where she had to call me because of a Golden Girls episode reminded her of us. Or I had gotten phone calls where she was upset with something that someone else had "told" her that I had said. Like I said... I didn't know which G was calling.

Before I could call her back... she connected with me. And to my surprise, she was coherent (she only forgot one thing that I had just told her)... she sounded intelligent not drugged up or loopy. She told me that she has made some changes since moving to NC. She is no longer on any pain meds but now had to learn how to deal with the pain and the depression. It sounds like her move was the best thing for her. She is now living with our cousin who doesn't take her sh$t. She has "evicted" G twice and threatened to take her to a women's shelter. But since my sister is still living there, apparently our cousin has not done any of these. But just the fact that she doesn't coddle G and let her get away with stuff, I think is making for a huge change in her life.

So our conversation started off talking about the kids... mine and hers. She thought K1 was J when he answered the phone. She couldn't believe it when I said that K1 was taller than me too. I was brought up to date on her 3 kids... my niece and nephews that I haven't seen in a year. Then she hit me with the big question... "So what is up with you and mom?" Hmmm...

My reply... "Nothing." Which pretty much sums it up, seeing as how I haven't talked to my mom since December. Yes, I can hear the shock and surprise from all of you reading this. So I asked G what she had heard. She said that mom has been wondering trying to figure out what she did to make me not call her anymore and that she hadn't heard from me since August. Well... first of all,
I let G know that I was at mom's for Thanksgiving and that I had called her at least once in December. It was then when I went to our family Christmas gathering at my brother's house on the 23rd and was told that mom and dad weren't coming... they had decided to head south a couple of days earlier. I was mad... I was upset... I was extremely sad for my kids... and I was pissed. They didn't HAVE to leave early, they chose to. My mom is not a big fan of my sister-in-law who was hosting Christmas. So they didn't come. And yet, everytime I would see her, she would say to my kids... "We never get to see you anymore. You never come to visit." (side note:my parents live 3 hours away from me) Yet here it was Christmas and she purposely moved her trip up 2 days so she could avoid our family gathering. Then she didn't have the decency to tell me herself. I had to hear it from one of my brothers. My parents were now down south... with no phone call that they were leaving... not one phone call while they were gone... and not one phone call when they returned. I only knew that they were coming back in February.

So yes, I did not call my mom. I also didn't receive a phone call from her... I asked my sister that... when is the last time mom has called me? Her response... "Carrie, you know she doesn't like to call us... we are supposed to call her." Yeah, and those are always fun phone calls. She doesn't really ask about anything. When you tell her what's going on, she is short and doesn't encourage more details. Then after about 5 minutes, she says she has to go and that's the end. I have had enough. I am tired of putting the work into it with no positve return.

My sister went on to say that she now calls Mom and Dad every Sunday... she the one who couldn't be in her prescence 5 minutes without tension and fights breaking out. She reminded me that they are getting up there in years (they are 71 and 70) and that they won't be around for much longer. How am I going to feel then? Well, this is actually something that I have given lots of thought to. I knew that by not keeping incontact with my mom that there might come a day when she would be gone. And maybe it sounds cold but I am resolved with that. Not that I won't be sad... nobody wants their parent to die. But will I be upset with would've's coud'ves, should'ves??? No... I purposely made this decision.

My sister said that some days our cousin has to actually dial the phone and hand it to her but she does call them weekly. Then if things start getting heated, she has our cousin call to her from the background that they need to be going. But why bother? Why play the game at all? I don't have the energy for it.

Then there is the "I love you" factor. I can count on one hand the number of times I remember hearing it said to me in my lifetime (and I would still have fingers to spare). Then last summer I overheard my mom on a phone conversation with the same cousin that my sister now lives with... and just for the record I was not eavesdropping... I was in the loft on the computer and my mom knew I was there. But during her conversation, I heard my mom say that she doesn't believe in saying "I love you" that they are just words. She said she showed her kids she loved them thru her actions. I was completely dumbfounded when I heard this. I remember thinking what actions... how did she show us? I went thru most of my childhood beliving that I wasn not loved. My sister's response to this was that we had a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, vacations every summer... and I got a college education. But when it came to other moments in my life they weren't there. They never came to one of my high school volleyball games. When I graduated from college... they sat thru the 2.5 hour ceremony (my dad grumbling) but left right after... J's dad took us out to dinner afterwards. They weren't there for these moments... there were no hugs... and definitely no kisses... and no "I love you's". So G says that she tells them now that she loves them and they say it back to her... but again why bother? Especially when there is no feeling behind the words.

My sister said that she tore into my dad a few summers ago about how rude and mean he is to our brother's boys. He said quite frankly, "I don't like kids." She then said... that he had 7 of them... did he like them/us when we were little? His response..."not really, that's why I worked two jobs." I just shake my head.

I am not mad at nor am I purposely not calling my mom. I pretty much have just given up on being the only one putting work into the relationship. I feel like I am looking for crumbs when I call her and visit her. Sometimes it is better to starve.

So my conversation ended with G, with me promising to call mom for mother's day... it would be a day late (because I wasn't calling after that phone call... she would've been in bed) but better than not at all I guess.

So the next day, I was rushed and running around like crazy. It was my first regular day at the new job and I didn't want to be late. So I called mom from the van as I was pulling into the parking lot.

Me: Hi, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.
Mom: Who is this?
Me: Carrie
Mom: Oh, I didn't recognize your voice. I thought it was C (the cousin that G lives with).
Me: Sorry for not calling yesterday, but we were in IL camping this weekend and didn't get back til late.
Mom: Oh
*** Silence... Dead air ***
Me: Okay, well I just wanted to wish you a happy mother's day. I am starting a new job today and need to get going.
Mom: Oh, you are starting a new job?
Me: Yes, I quit the store and found this one thru some internet connections.
Mom: Oh, okay. Good-bye.

This is how most of our conversations go. She doesn't ask questions. She doesn't even ask about her grandkids (wait, I take that back... she did ask in this last conversation if K3 got her birthday card last week.) She isn't interested in our lives or anything that we are doing.

Plus, when she lived closer to me... we saw each other at least once a week. When she had her knee replacement surgery, I was the one who took her everyday for her physical therapy sessions (dragging 2 little kids with us each time). When they moved 3 hours away, she would periodically come down with my dad and call me up. We would usually spend the day together. Well, she hasn't called me in 2 years to do that. And I am pretty sure that she has been down here at least a few times in 2 years.

I don't mean to sound like I am whining... and I don't expect many of you to understand this. But for me... being around my mom, who has always been a very negative person, is draining. And then to realize that she wants the reap the benefits without doing any of the work. I can no longer do that. Will I try to call her more often... maybe... we'll see.

You reap what you sow... she has never sowed the seeds with love and tenderness and now she must reap what has been borne from those seeds. As for me, I refuse to sow those same seeds with my kids. They will be sown with love and nourishment. But maybe I am destined to continue this same cycle. My mom had a horrible relationship with her mom ( I rarely saw my nana unless we ran into her at another relative's house) and she has/had a horrible relationship with her eldest daughter. And now she has an indifferent one with me. I hope I can break this cycle with my own daughters.

But... you reap what you sow...