When you find yourself with some free time and no interruptions, sit and talk with a child... you never know what you will get. Sometimes profound... sometimes funny... sometimes inspiring... alot of times surprising.
On Friday, after seeing Shrek the Third, the kids and I went to Olive Garden for dinner (definitely NOT on my approved food list!). While waiting for our name to be called, we talked about lots of things...mostly school stuff. But when K1 said something his sister didn't like, K3 pipes up with...
Boys go to Jupiter... to get more stupider.
Girls go to college... to get more knowledge.
Everyone laughed... only because none of us had heard it for quite awhile. K1 and K2 had had their time reciting it (of course, the genders were changed to reflect which ever sex was saying it). So I piped in with how it was said way back in my day...
Boys go to Jupiter... to get more stupider.
Girls go to Mars... to eat candy bars.
K3 laughed and looked at me like I was crazy... eat candy bars??? Yeah, maybe that's why I was overweight most of my life. So then we proceeded to try other planet names and see what rhymes we could come up with... until I made the mistake of saying the next one...
Boys go to Jupiter... to get more stupider.
Girls go to Mars... to eat candy bars.
K3 goes to Venus...
to which she replied...
To get more pe*is.
The best thing (after I got over my initial shock) was seeing the look on her brother and sister's faces. Their mouths fell down to their knees. They couldn't believe what they had just heard their baby sister say. As for K3, she at first was confused why they were looking at her like that until all of a sudden it dawned on her what she had just said. "I was just trying to make a rhyme. I didn't mean anything by it." As for me, I was trying to hold back hysterical laughter.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The Phone Call...
Did you ever get one of those phone calls where you just know the news is not good? Happened to me last night at about 8:00. My MIL called and says... "Carrie, okay... we are on our way to *** (the town where my SIL lives)." Now I just spent an hour on the phone with that SIL earlier today... all was good. No mention of mom and dad coming for a visit. So I knew... I just knew this was not a pleasure visit. Apparently, my SIL, her husband and three kids (6, 4, and 22 days) were in a car accident. All air left my lungs... Her next words were that everyone was okay... they were being released from ER. Other than some bumps, bruises, cuts and probably very sore... all are okay. But when I think about how bad this could've been... it just tears at me. Somebody "upstairs" was watching out for them.
Apparently, their minivan was hit by a woman who had fallen asleep and ran a red light. Her story... her daughter had just had a baby last night and she had been up all night with her. When I thought about what her lack of sleep could've resulted in, I was angry, pissed off and then had to realize that this could've been me. If you knew how many times I have driven on a lack of sleep... sometimes I had gone 30, 36 hours without sleep... sometimes I had only an hour or two. And there is even one time that I can remember driving with the kids in the van with me (don't remember what was so important that I needed to drive to it without proper sleep... couldn't have been that important that I had to risk my kids lives.) We were two miles from home and I remember telling the kids to watch my eyes... if they started to close, they needed to shout at me... Which they ended up doing a few times on that short but very long ride home. That right there is reason enough to be glad for my job change this month. I was extremely lucky. I very easily could've been that woman yesterday who nearly destroyed a family very dear to me.
So I owe many thanks to Him... for watching over my SIL and her family last night... and for always having an eye on me for all the times that I drove on minimal or no sleep at all. And for those of you reading this... I hope you never get THAT phone call where you know the news is not good.
Apparently, their minivan was hit by a woman who had fallen asleep and ran a red light. Her story... her daughter had just had a baby last night and she had been up all night with her. When I thought about what her lack of sleep could've resulted in, I was angry, pissed off and then had to realize that this could've been me. If you knew how many times I have driven on a lack of sleep... sometimes I had gone 30, 36 hours without sleep... sometimes I had only an hour or two. And there is even one time that I can remember driving with the kids in the van with me (don't remember what was so important that I needed to drive to it without proper sleep... couldn't have been that important that I had to risk my kids lives.) We were two miles from home and I remember telling the kids to watch my eyes... if they started to close, they needed to shout at me... Which they ended up doing a few times on that short but very long ride home. That right there is reason enough to be glad for my job change this month. I was extremely lucky. I very easily could've been that woman yesterday who nearly destroyed a family very dear to me.
So I owe many thanks to Him... for watching over my SIL and her family last night... and for always having an eye on me for all the times that I drove on minimal or no sleep at all. And for those of you reading this... I hope you never get THAT phone call where you know the news is not good.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
SparkPeople and BodyRev
There are a lot of factors which have helped me on this road to being fit and healthy. Support I would have to say is #1. The support I have received from my family and friends on the BB has been HUGE. It is so much easier to do something when you have people cheering you on whether they are in the same race or on the sidelines. The second thing I would have to credit is myself and being in the right frame of mind at the right time. Things just finally clicked for me this time whether it was my age, a new maturity level, or whatever... it just made sense for me to do it and to follow thru this time.
However, there are two products which have also helped. One that started it all for me and one that is newer. The first, of course, is the BodyRev. Even when it sat on my floor still in the box, it taunted me... challenged me. When I finally worked up the courage to pick it up, I was amazed. It wasn't difficult... challenging, yes... difficult, no. It was convenient. It was perfect to get me moving. Now I haven't always been faithful to my BodyRev and have suffered thru slumps but the BodyRev was always there waiting for me to get my act together. The only I may have suffered with the BodyRev was mild boredom from doing the same thing over and over again. However, I bought some of the other DVDs and tried to spice it up a bit. And now with summer, I have more options for getting my exercise in. But my BodyRev is always there... I even use it when I just need to do some quick strength sets. I love my BodyRev and will always have it sitting in the living room so it is always at hand when I need it.
The newer product in my life is SparkPeople. This website offers an array of articles and tools to help anyone trying to lose (or even gain) weight. No matter what your problem, you can find something to help you over it at SP. For me, the biggest help has been the logging of food and exercise. Now Alden has been trying to tell us for months the effect that logging has but for some reason I just didn't put the effort into it. Well now that I can do it regularly on the internet, it is so easy. Plus, being able to see my caloric (or at least a good approximation) intake and the calories (approximate) burned each day has helped a great deal. I find myself thinking more about food... not as in... "I'm starving, I need to eat" but more in the way of "Am I really hungry? Or am I bored?"... "How many calories are in that and is it worth it? What are some better choices?" Plus exercise has become easier when I can actually see the immediate result (calories burned) for that day. Sometimes I find myself thinking... "If I just add another 15 minutes to this bike ride... " SP is a fantastic tool and so easy to use.
So I found myself thinking about myself and all the people from the BB who have found the BR and the support helpful. So I decided to create a SparkTeam specifically for BodyRev users. It is my small way of continuing to get the message out about BodyRev and to continue and pass on the fantastic support that I have recieved thru the BB.
If you'd be interested, check it out... Revving Towards Being Fit and Healthy.
However, there are two products which have also helped. One that started it all for me and one that is newer. The first, of course, is the BodyRev. Even when it sat on my floor still in the box, it taunted me... challenged me. When I finally worked up the courage to pick it up, I was amazed. It wasn't difficult... challenging, yes... difficult, no. It was convenient. It was perfect to get me moving. Now I haven't always been faithful to my BodyRev and have suffered thru slumps but the BodyRev was always there waiting for me to get my act together. The only I may have suffered with the BodyRev was mild boredom from doing the same thing over and over again. However, I bought some of the other DVDs and tried to spice it up a bit. And now with summer, I have more options for getting my exercise in. But my BodyRev is always there... I even use it when I just need to do some quick strength sets. I love my BodyRev and will always have it sitting in the living room so it is always at hand when I need it.
The newer product in my life is SparkPeople. This website offers an array of articles and tools to help anyone trying to lose (or even gain) weight. No matter what your problem, you can find something to help you over it at SP. For me, the biggest help has been the logging of food and exercise. Now Alden has been trying to tell us for months the effect that logging has but for some reason I just didn't put the effort into it. Well now that I can do it regularly on the internet, it is so easy. Plus, being able to see my caloric (or at least a good approximation) intake and the calories (approximate) burned each day has helped a great deal. I find myself thinking more about food... not as in... "I'm starving, I need to eat" but more in the way of "Am I really hungry? Or am I bored?"... "How many calories are in that and is it worth it? What are some better choices?" Plus exercise has become easier when I can actually see the immediate result (calories burned) for that day. Sometimes I find myself thinking... "If I just add another 15 minutes to this bike ride... " SP is a fantastic tool and so easy to use.
So I found myself thinking about myself and all the people from the BB who have found the BR and the support helpful. So I decided to create a SparkTeam specifically for BodyRev users. It is my small way of continuing to get the message out about BodyRev and to continue and pass on the fantastic support that I have recieved thru the BB.
If you'd be interested, check it out... Revving Towards Being Fit and Healthy.
The Internet, Logging and Fitness...
Apparently the day my modem died, Alden decided to stop in and pay me a visit. Thank you for your comments, sir. I am definitely going to live this chapter of my life to its fullest
But the fact that he stopped by last week is actually very funny... because the week he stops by, I am having a bad week fitness-wise. It's strange really how tied my fitness activity is to the internet. I have only been on SparkPeople 6 weeks but already I can now see how logging my daily food intake and exercise has made a change in my life. Without being able to log it on the internet, I stopped logging altogether and ouch! did that hurt!! The food wasn't so bad... although my water consumption, which wasn't great to begin with really tanked. As for exercise, yeah... well, that wasn't so great as well. My strength exercises completely fell by the wayside... and I can definitely notice. I really feel "fluffy" in areas where I was beginning to feel some firmness... abs... butt... arms. As for cardio, I did some but not like I had been doing. And that I definitely felt in my energy level.
Now I am not trying to make excuses but last week was a bit rough for me personally as well only because I was finishing my two week notice out and starting a new job. I wasn't doing regular hours at the new place however it cut into my sleep time which really did not help me out in the evening hours plus it stole away the time that I would normally get some exercise (especially my bike rides).
So as of yesterday I am back to logging (yes, Alden, you were right... Logging definitely makes a difference!) I got my strength exercises in... my abs are thanking me. And I did some cardio on a stationary bike and an elliptical machine. Did I happen to mention that my new job is located in a building that has a fitness center in it? Very cool! A group of the ladies go down during lunch and get a 20-30 minute workout in. I think this will really be beneficial during the winter months for me as well.
So while I had a slow week, I did still manage to lose some pounds(yeah!) but the inches stayed the same and in fact, grew on my hips and waist (ouch!). I definitely need to keep logging and should - GOD FORBID! - ever have another internet crisis, make sure I come up with a back-up plan for logging. May even have to do it the old fashioned way... with a pen and paper.
But the fact that he stopped by last week is actually very funny... because the week he stops by, I am having a bad week fitness-wise. It's strange really how tied my fitness activity is to the internet. I have only been on SparkPeople 6 weeks but already I can now see how logging my daily food intake and exercise has made a change in my life. Without being able to log it on the internet, I stopped logging altogether and ouch! did that hurt!! The food wasn't so bad... although my water consumption, which wasn't great to begin with really tanked. As for exercise, yeah... well, that wasn't so great as well. My strength exercises completely fell by the wayside... and I can definitely notice. I really feel "fluffy" in areas where I was beginning to feel some firmness... abs... butt... arms. As for cardio, I did some but not like I had been doing. And that I definitely felt in my energy level.
Now I am not trying to make excuses but last week was a bit rough for me personally as well only because I was finishing my two week notice out and starting a new job. I wasn't doing regular hours at the new place however it cut into my sleep time which really did not help me out in the evening hours plus it stole away the time that I would normally get some exercise (especially my bike rides).
So as of yesterday I am back to logging (yes, Alden, you were right... Logging definitely makes a difference!) I got my strength exercises in... my abs are thanking me. And I did some cardio on a stationary bike and an elliptical machine. Did I happen to mention that my new job is located in a building that has a fitness center in it? Very cool! A group of the ladies go down during lunch and get a 20-30 minute workout in. I think this will really be beneficial during the winter months for me as well.
So while I had a slow week, I did still manage to lose some pounds(yeah!) but the inches stayed the same and in fact, grew on my hips and waist (ouch!). I definitely need to keep logging and should - GOD FORBID! - ever have another internet crisis, make sure I come up with a back-up plan for logging. May even have to do it the old fashioned way... with a pen and paper.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Starting with the Heavy Stuff...
So I come back after being off-line for a week and start blogging with the heavy stuff. Didn't really mean to but it was just on my mind. After reading it, it's a bit disjointed but I needed to get it all out and that's just how it came. I could go back and edit or even delete but I won't. I figured I needed to put it down, not for you all to read but more for me to remember.
I need to remember.... that this was my decision... made not in anger but more from frustration and disappointment.
I need to remember... not to follow this same pattern with my own kids. That no matter how busy life is... there is always time to say "I love you" and to give a hug.
I need to remember... that I do not have to be like my mom. I can break this chain.
I need to remember.... that this was my decision... made not in anger but more from frustration and disappointment.
I need to remember... not to follow this same pattern with my own kids. That no matter how busy life is... there is always time to say "I love you" and to give a hug.
I need to remember... that I do not have to be like my mom. I can break this chain.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
You Reap What You Sow
I have been saying this phrase a lot lately... along with trying to decide if I am a horrible daughter.
My sister, G, had called a couple of times on Sunday however we had gone camping this last weekend and didn't get home til later. She finally connected with me around 8:30 p.m. Now you need some background info on my sister and I. We are 11 years apart... she is the oldest out of 7... I am second to last. My mom always had little ones around and underfoot and my sister told me once that she felt more like my mom than my sister. However, by the time I have vivid memories of my sister, she was a late teen and not home much between working McD's and her boyfriends (like Milton... I called him Milton the Toaster.... does anyone remember that commercial?). Then my sister who always had a rough relationship with our mom moved out when she was 18. My little brother and I would get to spend the night at her place sometimes and she was very good about taking us to the zoo and the park. But most of my memories of her always have her as an adult. We were never close like sisters can be.
Then as I became an adult... got married and started having kids. Her life was in chaos. Her marriage of 16 years ended... she hooked up with and married (for 9 months) a man who may not have been particularly good for and to her. She has been a diabetic since 14 and has had many other health issues. Then she started on the meds and it became extremely hard to talk to her. Many times she was "loopy" for lack of a better word. Other times she was angry and combatitive. She could do no wrong... everyone else was though. I pretty much gave up talking to her. When I was in communication with her, I tended to worry too much about her. However, there were many times when she said she wished everyone would just leave her alone and just quit nagging her. So I did... I washed my hands of her. It didn't mean that I didn't love her... I just couldn't sit and watch her sink lower and lower.
So back to my phone call... I was a bit nervous when I had first heard her voice on the answering machine. In the past, you never knew which G you were going to get. I have gotten calls at 2 a.m. where she had to call me because of a Golden Girls episode reminded her of us. Or I had gotten phone calls where she was upset with something that someone else had "told" her that I had said. Like I said... I didn't know which G was calling.
Before I could call her back... she connected with me. And to my surprise, she was coherent (she only forgot one thing that I had just told her)... she sounded intelligent not drugged up or loopy. She told me that she has made some changes since moving to NC. She is no longer on any pain meds but now had to learn how to deal with the pain and the depression. It sounds like her move was the best thing for her. She is now living with our cousin who doesn't take her sh$t. She has "evicted" G twice and threatened to take her to a women's shelter. But since my sister is still living there, apparently our cousin has not done any of these. But just the fact that she doesn't coddle G and let her get away with stuff, I think is making for a huge change in her life.
So our conversation started off talking about the kids... mine and hers. She thought K1 was J when he answered the phone. She couldn't believe it when I said that K1 was taller than me too. I was brought up to date on her 3 kids... my niece and nephews that I haven't seen in a year. Then she hit me with the big question... "So what is up with you and mom?" Hmmm...
My reply... "Nothing." Which pretty much sums it up, seeing as how I haven't talked to my mom since December. Yes, I can hear the shock and surprise from all of you reading this. So I asked G what she had heard. She said that mom has been wondering trying to figure out what she did to make me not call her anymore and that she hadn't heard from me since August. Well... first of all,
I let G know that I was at mom's for Thanksgiving and that I had called her at least once in December. It was then when I went to our family Christmas gathering at my brother's house on the 23rd and was told that mom and dad weren't coming... they had decided to head south a couple of days earlier. I was mad... I was upset... I was extremely sad for my kids... and I was pissed. They didn't HAVE to leave early, they chose to. My mom is not a big fan of my sister-in-law who was hosting Christmas. So they didn't come. And yet, everytime I would see her, she would say to my kids... "We never get to see you anymore. You never come to visit." (side note:my parents live 3 hours away from me) Yet here it was Christmas and she purposely moved her trip up 2 days so she could avoid our family gathering. Then she didn't have the decency to tell me herself. I had to hear it from one of my brothers. My parents were now down south... with no phone call that they were leaving... not one phone call while they were gone... and not one phone call when they returned. I only knew that they were coming back in February.
So yes, I did not call my mom. I also didn't receive a phone call from her... I asked my sister that... when is the last time mom has called me? Her response... "Carrie, you know she doesn't like to call us... we are supposed to call her." Yeah, and those are always fun phone calls. She doesn't really ask about anything. When you tell her what's going on, she is short and doesn't encourage more details. Then after about 5 minutes, she says she has to go and that's the end. I have had enough. I am tired of putting the work into it with no positve return.
My sister went on to say that she now calls Mom and Dad every Sunday... she the one who couldn't be in her prescence 5 minutes without tension and fights breaking out. She reminded me that they are getting up there in years (they are 71 and 70) and that they won't be around for much longer. How am I going to feel then? Well, this is actually something that I have given lots of thought to. I knew that by not keeping incontact with my mom that there might come a day when she would be gone. And maybe it sounds cold but I am resolved with that. Not that I won't be sad... nobody wants their parent to die. But will I be upset with would've's coud'ves, should'ves??? No... I purposely made this decision.
My sister said that some days our cousin has to actually dial the phone and hand it to her but she does call them weekly. Then if things start getting heated, she has our cousin call to her from the background that they need to be going. But why bother? Why play the game at all? I don't have the energy for it.
Then there is the "I love you" factor. I can count on one hand the number of times I remember hearing it said to me in my lifetime (and I would still have fingers to spare). Then last summer I overheard my mom on a phone conversation with the same cousin that my sister now lives with... and just for the record I was not eavesdropping... I was in the loft on the computer and my mom knew I was there. But during her conversation, I heard my mom say that she doesn't believe in saying "I love you" that they are just words. She said she showed her kids she loved them thru her actions. I was completely dumbfounded when I heard this. I remember thinking what actions... how did she show us? I went thru most of my childhood beliving that I wasn not loved. My sister's response to this was that we had a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, vacations every summer... and I got a college education. But when it came to other moments in my life they weren't there. They never came to one of my high school volleyball games. When I graduated from college... they sat thru the 2.5 hour ceremony (my dad grumbling) but left right after... J's dad took us out to dinner afterwards. They weren't there for these moments... there were no hugs... and definitely no kisses... and no "I love you's". So G says that she tells them now that she loves them and they say it back to her... but again why bother? Especially when there is no feeling behind the words.
My sister said that she tore into my dad a few summers ago about how rude and mean he is to our brother's boys. He said quite frankly, "I don't like kids." She then said... that he had 7 of them... did he like them/us when we were little? His response..."not really, that's why I worked two jobs." I just shake my head.
I am not mad at nor am I purposely not calling my mom. I pretty much have just given up on being the only one putting work into the relationship. I feel like I am looking for crumbs when I call her and visit her. Sometimes it is better to starve.
So my conversation ended with G, with me promising to call mom for mother's day... it would be a day late (because I wasn't calling after that phone call... she would've been in bed) but better than not at all I guess.
So the next day, I was rushed and running around like crazy. It was my first regular day at the new job and I didn't want to be late. So I called mom from the van as I was pulling into the parking lot.
Me: Hi, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.
Mom: Who is this?
Me: Carrie
Mom: Oh, I didn't recognize your voice. I thought it was C (the cousin that G lives with).
Me: Sorry for not calling yesterday, but we were in IL camping this weekend and didn't get back til late.
Mom: Oh
*** Silence... Dead air ***
Me: Okay, well I just wanted to wish you a happy mother's day. I am starting a new job today and need to get going.
Mom: Oh, you are starting a new job?
Me: Yes, I quit the store and found this one thru some internet connections.
Mom: Oh, okay. Good-bye.
This is how most of our conversations go. She doesn't ask questions. She doesn't even ask about her grandkids (wait, I take that back... she did ask in this last conversation if K3 got her birthday card last week.) She isn't interested in our lives or anything that we are doing.
Plus, when she lived closer to me... we saw each other at least once a week. When she had her knee replacement surgery, I was the one who took her everyday for her physical therapy sessions (dragging 2 little kids with us each time). When they moved 3 hours away, she would periodically come down with my dad and call me up. We would usually spend the day together. Well, she hasn't called me in 2 years to do that. And I am pretty sure that she has been down here at least a few times in 2 years.
I don't mean to sound like I am whining... and I don't expect many of you to understand this. But for me... being around my mom, who has always been a very negative person, is draining. And then to realize that she wants the reap the benefits without doing any of the work. I can no longer do that. Will I try to call her more often... maybe... we'll see.
You reap what you sow... she has never sowed the seeds with love and tenderness and now she must reap what has been borne from those seeds. As for me, I refuse to sow those same seeds with my kids. They will be sown with love and nourishment. But maybe I am destined to continue this same cycle. My mom had a horrible relationship with her mom ( I rarely saw my nana unless we ran into her at another relative's house) and she has/had a horrible relationship with her eldest daughter. And now she has an indifferent one with me. I hope I can break this cycle with my own daughters.
But... you reap what you sow...
My sister, G, had called a couple of times on Sunday however we had gone camping this last weekend and didn't get home til later. She finally connected with me around 8:30 p.m. Now you need some background info on my sister and I. We are 11 years apart... she is the oldest out of 7... I am second to last. My mom always had little ones around and underfoot and my sister told me once that she felt more like my mom than my sister. However, by the time I have vivid memories of my sister, she was a late teen and not home much between working McD's and her boyfriends (like Milton... I called him Milton the Toaster.... does anyone remember that commercial?). Then my sister who always had a rough relationship with our mom moved out when she was 18. My little brother and I would get to spend the night at her place sometimes and she was very good about taking us to the zoo and the park. But most of my memories of her always have her as an adult. We were never close like sisters can be.
Then as I became an adult... got married and started having kids. Her life was in chaos. Her marriage of 16 years ended... she hooked up with and married (for 9 months) a man who may not have been particularly good for and to her. She has been a diabetic since 14 and has had many other health issues. Then she started on the meds and it became extremely hard to talk to her. Many times she was "loopy" for lack of a better word. Other times she was angry and combatitive. She could do no wrong... everyone else was though. I pretty much gave up talking to her. When I was in communication with her, I tended to worry too much about her. However, there were many times when she said she wished everyone would just leave her alone and just quit nagging her. So I did... I washed my hands of her. It didn't mean that I didn't love her... I just couldn't sit and watch her sink lower and lower.
So back to my phone call... I was a bit nervous when I had first heard her voice on the answering machine. In the past, you never knew which G you were going to get. I have gotten calls at 2 a.m. where she had to call me because of a Golden Girls episode reminded her of us. Or I had gotten phone calls where she was upset with something that someone else had "told" her that I had said. Like I said... I didn't know which G was calling.
Before I could call her back... she connected with me. And to my surprise, she was coherent (she only forgot one thing that I had just told her)... she sounded intelligent not drugged up or loopy. She told me that she has made some changes since moving to NC. She is no longer on any pain meds but now had to learn how to deal with the pain and the depression. It sounds like her move was the best thing for her. She is now living with our cousin who doesn't take her sh$t. She has "evicted" G twice and threatened to take her to a women's shelter. But since my sister is still living there, apparently our cousin has not done any of these. But just the fact that she doesn't coddle G and let her get away with stuff, I think is making for a huge change in her life.
So our conversation started off talking about the kids... mine and hers. She thought K1 was J when he answered the phone. She couldn't believe it when I said that K1 was taller than me too. I was brought up to date on her 3 kids... my niece and nephews that I haven't seen in a year. Then she hit me with the big question... "So what is up with you and mom?" Hmmm...
My reply... "Nothing." Which pretty much sums it up, seeing as how I haven't talked to my mom since December. Yes, I can hear the shock and surprise from all of you reading this. So I asked G what she had heard. She said that mom has been wondering trying to figure out what she did to make me not call her anymore and that she hadn't heard from me since August. Well... first of all,
I let G know that I was at mom's for Thanksgiving and that I had called her at least once in December. It was then when I went to our family Christmas gathering at my brother's house on the 23rd and was told that mom and dad weren't coming... they had decided to head south a couple of days earlier. I was mad... I was upset... I was extremely sad for my kids... and I was pissed. They didn't HAVE to leave early, they chose to. My mom is not a big fan of my sister-in-law who was hosting Christmas. So they didn't come. And yet, everytime I would see her, she would say to my kids... "We never get to see you anymore. You never come to visit." (side note:my parents live 3 hours away from me) Yet here it was Christmas and she purposely moved her trip up 2 days so she could avoid our family gathering. Then she didn't have the decency to tell me herself. I had to hear it from one of my brothers. My parents were now down south... with no phone call that they were leaving... not one phone call while they were gone... and not one phone call when they returned. I only knew that they were coming back in February.
So yes, I did not call my mom. I also didn't receive a phone call from her... I asked my sister that... when is the last time mom has called me? Her response... "Carrie, you know she doesn't like to call us... we are supposed to call her." Yeah, and those are always fun phone calls. She doesn't really ask about anything. When you tell her what's going on, she is short and doesn't encourage more details. Then after about 5 minutes, she says she has to go and that's the end. I have had enough. I am tired of putting the work into it with no positve return.
My sister went on to say that she now calls Mom and Dad every Sunday... she the one who couldn't be in her prescence 5 minutes without tension and fights breaking out. She reminded me that they are getting up there in years (they are 71 and 70) and that they won't be around for much longer. How am I going to feel then? Well, this is actually something that I have given lots of thought to. I knew that by not keeping incontact with my mom that there might come a day when she would be gone. And maybe it sounds cold but I am resolved with that. Not that I won't be sad... nobody wants their parent to die. But will I be upset with would've's coud'ves, should'ves??? No... I purposely made this decision.
My sister said that some days our cousin has to actually dial the phone and hand it to her but she does call them weekly. Then if things start getting heated, she has our cousin call to her from the background that they need to be going. But why bother? Why play the game at all? I don't have the energy for it.
Then there is the "I love you" factor. I can count on one hand the number of times I remember hearing it said to me in my lifetime (and I would still have fingers to spare). Then last summer I overheard my mom on a phone conversation with the same cousin that my sister now lives with... and just for the record I was not eavesdropping... I was in the loft on the computer and my mom knew I was there. But during her conversation, I heard my mom say that she doesn't believe in saying "I love you" that they are just words. She said she showed her kids she loved them thru her actions. I was completely dumbfounded when I heard this. I remember thinking what actions... how did she show us? I went thru most of my childhood beliving that I wasn not loved. My sister's response to this was that we had a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, vacations every summer... and I got a college education. But when it came to other moments in my life they weren't there. They never came to one of my high school volleyball games. When I graduated from college... they sat thru the 2.5 hour ceremony (my dad grumbling) but left right after... J's dad took us out to dinner afterwards. They weren't there for these moments... there were no hugs... and definitely no kisses... and no "I love you's". So G says that she tells them now that she loves them and they say it back to her... but again why bother? Especially when there is no feeling behind the words.
My sister said that she tore into my dad a few summers ago about how rude and mean he is to our brother's boys. He said quite frankly, "I don't like kids." She then said... that he had 7 of them... did he like them/us when we were little? His response..."not really, that's why I worked two jobs." I just shake my head.
I am not mad at nor am I purposely not calling my mom. I pretty much have just given up on being the only one putting work into the relationship. I feel like I am looking for crumbs when I call her and visit her. Sometimes it is better to starve.
So my conversation ended with G, with me promising to call mom for mother's day... it would be a day late (because I wasn't calling after that phone call... she would've been in bed) but better than not at all I guess.
So the next day, I was rushed and running around like crazy. It was my first regular day at the new job and I didn't want to be late. So I called mom from the van as I was pulling into the parking lot.
Me: Hi, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.
Mom: Who is this?
Me: Carrie
Mom: Oh, I didn't recognize your voice. I thought it was C (the cousin that G lives with).
Me: Sorry for not calling yesterday, but we were in IL camping this weekend and didn't get back til late.
Mom: Oh
*** Silence... Dead air ***
Me: Okay, well I just wanted to wish you a happy mother's day. I am starting a new job today and need to get going.
Mom: Oh, you are starting a new job?
Me: Yes, I quit the store and found this one thru some internet connections.
Mom: Oh, okay. Good-bye.
This is how most of our conversations go. She doesn't ask questions. She doesn't even ask about her grandkids (wait, I take that back... she did ask in this last conversation if K3 got her birthday card last week.) She isn't interested in our lives or anything that we are doing.
Plus, when she lived closer to me... we saw each other at least once a week. When she had her knee replacement surgery, I was the one who took her everyday for her physical therapy sessions (dragging 2 little kids with us each time). When they moved 3 hours away, she would periodically come down with my dad and call me up. We would usually spend the day together. Well, she hasn't called me in 2 years to do that. And I am pretty sure that she has been down here at least a few times in 2 years.
I don't mean to sound like I am whining... and I don't expect many of you to understand this. But for me... being around my mom, who has always been a very negative person, is draining. And then to realize that she wants the reap the benefits without doing any of the work. I can no longer do that. Will I try to call her more often... maybe... we'll see.
You reap what you sow... she has never sowed the seeds with love and tenderness and now she must reap what has been borne from those seeds. As for me, I refuse to sow those same seeds with my kids. They will be sown with love and nourishment. But maybe I am destined to continue this same cycle. My mom had a horrible relationship with her mom ( I rarely saw my nana unless we ran into her at another relative's house) and she has/had a horrible relationship with her eldest daughter. And now she has an indifferent one with me. I hope I can break this cycle with my own daughters.
But... you reap what you sow...
I'm BACK!!!!!
Woo Hoo! And it feels sooooo good!
Never, never again will I play the frugal understanding wife! Last week when J called from Best Buy to let me know that we could pay $70 for a new dsl modem or order one from Ebay for a fraction of the cost, I made a HUGE mistake telling him to order one from Ebay. Yes, we found one where the auction was ending within hours... Yes, we won the bid on it... Yes, we had a great seller who sent it right away on Friday.... BUT it was still TOO LONG! Plus, we were even gone for the weekend!!!
I hated.. HATED... not being able to be on-line!!! It's not even like I had tons of time to go on it either... it was just the fact that I couldn't sit down at the computer and connect if I wanted to.
But the wait is over... the new modem is installed... and nothing is going to keep me from being on-line again. Next time... we spend the $$$$ and get it down right away!
Never, never again will I play the frugal understanding wife! Last week when J called from Best Buy to let me know that we could pay $70 for a new dsl modem or order one from Ebay for a fraction of the cost, I made a HUGE mistake telling him to order one from Ebay. Yes, we found one where the auction was ending within hours... Yes, we won the bid on it... Yes, we had a great seller who sent it right away on Friday.... BUT it was still TOO LONG! Plus, we were even gone for the weekend!!!
I hated.. HATED... not being able to be on-line!!! It's not even like I had tons of time to go on it either... it was just the fact that I couldn't sit down at the computer and connect if I wanted to.
But the wait is over... the new modem is installed... and nothing is going to keep me from being on-line again. Next time... we spend the $$$$ and get it down right away!
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Arrrggggghhhhhhh!
My modem died today!!! I noticed at 5:00a.m. and it wasn't until 10:00 p.m. tonight that we were able to call tech support. The verdict... apparently, it looks like our modem has died. Time to run to Best Buy to get a new one. J is under orders to do it immediately tomorrow after work. Right now I have temporary use of J's work computer w/internet cell card... but it returns back to the office tomorrow a.m.
It's strange because lately I haven't even been on-line all that much latel (working two jobs has had a negative effect on my internet time.) BUT just knowing that I cannot sit down on the computer and be on-line if I want is driving me INSANE! I WANT MY INTERNET BACK!!!!!
It's strange because lately I haven't even been on-line all that much latel (working two jobs has had a negative effect on my internet time.) BUT just knowing that I cannot sit down on the computer and be on-line if I want is driving me INSANE! I WANT MY INTERNET BACK!!!!!
Friday, May 4, 2007
It's Our Parties... We'll Cry if We Want To...
Do you remember that feeling when you were invited to a party as a kid and for whatever reason... you couldn't go? K2 and I are both suffering that right now. Her best friend's birthday party is next weekend and get this... the parents are taking 12(!!) girls down to Gurnee for the night and then spending the day at Six Flags Great America. Quite the party, hey? Well, months ago I decided to make arrangements to go camping (cabin NOT tent yet) for that same weekend. She is upset because she can't go. It's her BFF... it's THE birthday party of the year. It was even suggested to me by her BFF's mom that she could spend the weekend with them. Well, I said no to that one... call me cruel but we have not had a family weekend in what seems like forever. Plus, it's Mother's Day... it would be nice to have all my kids around... at least while I can still force them. So she is missing it and she is pretty upset about it.
Well, K2, I know exactly how you feel. Some ladies from the BB are planning another trip to Bad Frogs in June (or was it July?) and I can't go. Money is really tight right now and with gas prices soaring (3.27 as of yesterday), it is just out of reach. I told J that I even think we should either cancel our family vacation for August or scale back. So how do I tell my kids that we aren't doing the big vacation we talked about and then turn around and try to justify my going to another state to go to a bar. It doesn't work. So while she is missing her biggest party of the year... I will be doing the same. Sometimes life does suck and she is learning that and I am yet again reminded of it.
Well, K2, I know exactly how you feel. Some ladies from the BB are planning another trip to Bad Frogs in June (or was it July?) and I can't go. Money is really tight right now and with gas prices soaring (3.27 as of yesterday), it is just out of reach. I told J that I even think we should either cancel our family vacation for August or scale back. So how do I tell my kids that we aren't doing the big vacation we talked about and then turn around and try to justify my going to another state to go to a bar. It doesn't work. So while she is missing her biggest party of the year... I will be doing the same. Sometimes life does suck and she is learning that and I am yet again reminded of it.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
A Good Day...
I started my new job today!!! I feel clumsy and awkward... nervous but that's just because there is much too learn. And it didn't help that I started a damn cold yesterday. So there I sat... sniffling and trying to discreetly blow and wipe... praying and hoping that there was nothing lingering around my nose. Then there's the "ewww" factor. I had to shake some poor woman's hand today, thinking the whole time... "Germ city."
But the training is slow going... lots to learn. I am glad that I am coming in despite still being at Target thru next week. I was afraid that with shortened sleep that I would be brain dead and would not retain any info but that didn't seem to happen. I still have some agent names running thru my head. I am ready to go back tomorrow and start it all over again.
On that note, I heard from the library. They did not offer me the job. Which is what I wanted... no what if's... no wondering if I made the right decision. However, this little part of me is wondering... what the hell didn't they like about me? LOL! I guess I am not easy to please. But al in all, I am happy to have the job that I do. There is so much that is right about it. It is a nice fit. It feels right.
I am back to exercising after taking off more time than I wanted... a busy weekend and a blah yesterday interfered. Today the girls and I went for a bike ride down to a nearby pond. K2 circled the pond looking for frogs while K3 looked for turtles. I kept doing a circuit on the bike down to the end of the block and back around the court... to keep my legs moving and my mileage adding up.
I also got some good news on the fitness front. After I started to get serious about this back at the beginning of April, I ended up putting on 2lbs! But I didn't panic... I knew I was eating better (I was logging it)... I knew I was exercising on a daily basis. I was drinking my water (mostly). I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. So on April 18, I took my measurements so I would have something to use for comparison. On SparkPeople, I joined a monthly challenge to get ready for summer. There are a list of things to strive to do each day... regarding fruits/veggies, water intake, cardio exercise... etc. However, with the challenge we all had to post our starting weight and measurements. Then we will retake and post them on the 15th and again on the 31st. Well, in taking my measurements today, I discovered that while I had only lost 1lb, I had lost inches!! 1.5 from my hips... and 3 inches from my waist!!! I couldn't believe it!!! There were some results that I could not only see in numbers...but also in the way my clothes fit! Yet, more encouragement and motivation to keep on doing this.
I really need to get to bed... I have to work tomorrow and then again, tomorrow night.
But the training is slow going... lots to learn. I am glad that I am coming in despite still being at Target thru next week. I was afraid that with shortened sleep that I would be brain dead and would not retain any info but that didn't seem to happen. I still have some agent names running thru my head. I am ready to go back tomorrow and start it all over again.
On that note, I heard from the library. They did not offer me the job. Which is what I wanted... no what if's... no wondering if I made the right decision. However, this little part of me is wondering... what the hell didn't they like about me? LOL! I guess I am not easy to please. But al in all, I am happy to have the job that I do. There is so much that is right about it. It is a nice fit. It feels right.
I am back to exercising after taking off more time than I wanted... a busy weekend and a blah yesterday interfered. Today the girls and I went for a bike ride down to a nearby pond. K2 circled the pond looking for frogs while K3 looked for turtles. I kept doing a circuit on the bike down to the end of the block and back around the court... to keep my legs moving and my mileage adding up.
I also got some good news on the fitness front. After I started to get serious about this back at the beginning of April, I ended up putting on 2lbs! But I didn't panic... I knew I was eating better (I was logging it)... I knew I was exercising on a daily basis. I was drinking my water (mostly). I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. So on April 18, I took my measurements so I would have something to use for comparison. On SparkPeople, I joined a monthly challenge to get ready for summer. There are a list of things to strive to do each day... regarding fruits/veggies, water intake, cardio exercise... etc. However, with the challenge we all had to post our starting weight and measurements. Then we will retake and post them on the 15th and again on the 31st. Well, in taking my measurements today, I discovered that while I had only lost 1lb, I had lost inches!! 1.5 from my hips... and 3 inches from my waist!!! I couldn't believe it!!! There were some results that I could not only see in numbers...but also in the way my clothes fit! Yet, more encouragement and motivation to keep on doing this.
I really need to get to bed... I have to work tomorrow and then again, tomorrow night.
My Legacy...
The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.
- William James, philosopher and psychologist
There's a woman on the BB who I find amazing...well, there are actually quite a few of them but this one posted something on the BB this week that brought back memories... good and bad. Natalia is a young woman who has a "little sister"... being single and childless, she selflessly devotes time to befriend a young girl. Being the mom of 3 children, I can understand the time and dedication that is called for in making time for a child. But to do this for someone not of your own flesh and blood, takes a special human being. She often posts stories of their activities on the BB which are always a joy to read.
This week she posted about a hiking trip that she and her little sister made... their attempt to climb to the summit of Mount Helena. They attempted the "easy" trail... 1.6 miles w/a 1000ft change in elevation. They made it about 3/4 of the way before she had to stop and turn around. And even though her little sister was disappointed to not make it further, she acted like the hike was too hard for her too so that Natalia wouldn't feel bad about not making it. What a relationship!
This story reminded me of one of my weight inflicted memories... The summer of 2005, we took a family vacation to Colorado. On our way to the western part of the state, we stopped at the Great Sand Dunes National Park. I had been there as a kid and loved it... how cool in the middle of a state famous for its majestic mountains to find a huge oasis of sand dunes. My kids had set a distant "peak" as the point that they wanted to hike to. I laughed and said okay... knowing full well we would never go that far. Have you ever walked in sand? Sand that your feet sink into? Then add to that sand great sloping hills... up and down... crossing narrow ridge lines. I have no idea what I weighed in 2005 but it was very close to what I weighed last year... plus, add to that little or no exercise. Walking those sand dunes was one of the most physical challenges I have ever had to face! We walked and kept moving sometimes slowly... very slowly. We climbed peaks only to discover that the peak the kids wanted to make it to was still a few away. That's one thing about being in the middle of these rolling hills of sand... nothing ever looked as far as it really was. There came a point after climbing one hill and just having discovered it was still not the top and we had yet another steeper climb to make. I looked at that and said no way... I was done. But the kids wouldn't have it, they wanted to go on. I told them that I would wait there for them and they could go on with their dad. Nope! They wouldn't have it... we were on a family vacation and we had to do it together.. .sorta their version of no man or mom left behind. I saw how much this meant to my kids so I trudged on. That last climb was so hard.... so slow. I would look up thinking surely we were almost there only to discover that I wasn't even halfway. One of the kids would hang back to "help" me along. Sometimes J would be there pulling me forward. There finally came a point where I just collapsed... I couldn't do it... I couldn't go another step. But my stubborn kids wouldn't leave me... they sat there with me, waiting while I rested. I told them... finally I begged and pleaded with them... "Please, just go on without me." They wouldn't do it. They said either we all do it together or we don't. Sitting there in the sand I just began to cry. Here was something my kids wanted so badly and my fat, out of shape body wasn't letting me do it. I tried again... begged... pleaded for them to go on without me. They refused. I then had a decision to make... turn around and start the trip back down or pick myself up and go forward. Well, I couldn't let them miss this opportunity... this was something they desperately wanted. I had to do it for them. So I picked myself up and started again. One step at a time... looking down at the sand the entire time.... one step, then another, then one more. The kids would encourage me... "You can do it, mom!" "You're almost there!" They lied about that one. Soon one by one they started making it to the top... "Come on, mom! You have to see this!" "You can do it, mom!" Finally, I took that last step that brought me over the top. I had done it. I collapsed in the sand and my daughter said to me... "I knew you COULD do it."
That day I hated myself and what I had let my body become. I never would've gone half as far as I did if it had not been for my kids. They are the inspiration for all that I do. That right there is the biggest reason for my success this time. When I first started trying to lose weight back in September, it was all about the pounds. It wasn't til I sat down and figured out why I wanted to do this and put my kids at the top of that list, that I actually had some success at it. I want to live longer. I want to see my kids grow up and have families of their own. I want to become a grandparent or maybe even a great-grandparent. I want to enjoy life now with my kids. I want to be able to do things that were too difficult to do in the past (like climb a sand dune). I want to do fun everyday type stuff (like ride bikes) with them. They are my inspiration for doing this. Sure there are other reasons, but they are right there at the top.
In fact, I lost sight of that a few months ago and once again it became about the numbers on the scale. I had lost 30 lbs in 3 months and then just stopped... a plateau. It really threw me and I lost focus. It wasn't until last month that I had to go back and revisit why I am doing this in the first place.
They are my legacy... they are how I want to leave my mark on this world. If nothing else can be said about me... hopefully, they will say... She was a good mom.
- William James, philosopher and psychologist
There's a woman on the BB who I find amazing...well, there are actually quite a few of them but this one posted something on the BB this week that brought back memories... good and bad. Natalia is a young woman who has a "little sister"... being single and childless, she selflessly devotes time to befriend a young girl. Being the mom of 3 children, I can understand the time and dedication that is called for in making time for a child. But to do this for someone not of your own flesh and blood, takes a special human being. She often posts stories of their activities on the BB which are always a joy to read.
This week she posted about a hiking trip that she and her little sister made... their attempt to climb to the summit of Mount Helena. They attempted the "easy" trail... 1.6 miles w/a 1000ft change in elevation. They made it about 3/4 of the way before she had to stop and turn around. And even though her little sister was disappointed to not make it further, she acted like the hike was too hard for her too so that Natalia wouldn't feel bad about not making it. What a relationship!
This story reminded me of one of my weight inflicted memories... The summer of 2005, we took a family vacation to Colorado. On our way to the western part of the state, we stopped at the Great Sand Dunes National Park. I had been there as a kid and loved it... how cool in the middle of a state famous for its majestic mountains to find a huge oasis of sand dunes. My kids had set a distant "peak" as the point that they wanted to hike to. I laughed and said okay... knowing full well we would never go that far. Have you ever walked in sand? Sand that your feet sink into? Then add to that sand great sloping hills... up and down... crossing narrow ridge lines. I have no idea what I weighed in 2005 but it was very close to what I weighed last year... plus, add to that little or no exercise. Walking those sand dunes was one of the most physical challenges I have ever had to face! We walked and kept moving sometimes slowly... very slowly. We climbed peaks only to discover that the peak the kids wanted to make it to was still a few away. That's one thing about being in the middle of these rolling hills of sand... nothing ever looked as far as it really was. There came a point after climbing one hill and just having discovered it was still not the top and we had yet another steeper climb to make. I looked at that and said no way... I was done. But the kids wouldn't have it, they wanted to go on. I told them that I would wait there for them and they could go on with their dad. Nope! They wouldn't have it... we were on a family vacation and we had to do it together.. .sorta their version of no man or mom left behind. I saw how much this meant to my kids so I trudged on. That last climb was so hard.... so slow. I would look up thinking surely we were almost there only to discover that I wasn't even halfway. One of the kids would hang back to "help" me along. Sometimes J would be there pulling me forward. There finally came a point where I just collapsed... I couldn't do it... I couldn't go another step. But my stubborn kids wouldn't leave me... they sat there with me, waiting while I rested. I told them... finally I begged and pleaded with them... "Please, just go on without me." They wouldn't do it. They said either we all do it together or we don't. Sitting there in the sand I just began to cry. Here was something my kids wanted so badly and my fat, out of shape body wasn't letting me do it. I tried again... begged... pleaded for them to go on without me. They refused. I then had a decision to make... turn around and start the trip back down or pick myself up and go forward. Well, I couldn't let them miss this opportunity... this was something they desperately wanted. I had to do it for them. So I picked myself up and started again. One step at a time... looking down at the sand the entire time.... one step, then another, then one more. The kids would encourage me... "You can do it, mom!" "You're almost there!" They lied about that one. Soon one by one they started making it to the top... "Come on, mom! You have to see this!" "You can do it, mom!" Finally, I took that last step that brought me over the top. I had done it. I collapsed in the sand and my daughter said to me... "I knew you COULD do it."
That day I hated myself and what I had let my body become. I never would've gone half as far as I did if it had not been for my kids. They are the inspiration for all that I do. That right there is the biggest reason for my success this time. When I first started trying to lose weight back in September, it was all about the pounds. It wasn't til I sat down and figured out why I wanted to do this and put my kids at the top of that list, that I actually had some success at it. I want to live longer. I want to see my kids grow up and have families of their own. I want to become a grandparent or maybe even a great-grandparent. I want to enjoy life now with my kids. I want to be able to do things that were too difficult to do in the past (like climb a sand dune). I want to do fun everyday type stuff (like ride bikes) with them. They are my inspiration for doing this. Sure there are other reasons, but they are right there at the top.
In fact, I lost sight of that a few months ago and once again it became about the numbers on the scale. I had lost 30 lbs in 3 months and then just stopped... a plateau. It really threw me and I lost focus. It wasn't until last month that I had to go back and revisit why I am doing this in the first place.
They are my legacy... they are how I want to leave my mark on this world. If nothing else can be said about me... hopefully, they will say... She was a good mom.
Ostrich Be Gone...
Okay, after reading the BB today I got a little "fired up" and became a little embarrassed if truth be told.... Either a little "birdie" is feeding info to the Fleet's Admiral or he has actually dropped in and taken a gander at my little blog. If that was the case, my last post is so "woe is me" that I came back and was going to delete it. But before I could hit that little button that would've sent that post into the black hole of the cyber world, I changed my mind. I think I need that little reminder for the next time I want to be an ostrich. So it's staying... It doesn't mean that I won't do it again... Hey, I've been this way for nearly 40 years and I can't change overnight.
BUT what I can change is my attitude about it.... it's kind of like the weight issue. In the last couple of years, when I started to step on the scale and was shocked at HOW much it said I weighed... I had to have a talk with myself. I wasn't doing anything to change that number even after my shock wore off and I became accustomed to seeing the amount. So I decided that if I wasn't actually going to do any work to change it then I had no right to sit and complain about clothes that didn't fit or pictures that I hated of myself (they are ALL in the photo albums... good and bad). So as for my attitude about pulling an ostrich... same story... I am NOT allowed to whine and cry about the consequences that arise from it. I need to figure out a way to solve the problem and deal with it. Easier said than done... but I will try.
So that post stays.. embarrassment or not.
BUT what I can change is my attitude about it.... it's kind of like the weight issue. In the last couple of years, when I started to step on the scale and was shocked at HOW much it said I weighed... I had to have a talk with myself. I wasn't doing anything to change that number even after my shock wore off and I became accustomed to seeing the amount. So I decided that if I wasn't actually going to do any work to change it then I had no right to sit and complain about clothes that didn't fit or pictures that I hated of myself (they are ALL in the photo albums... good and bad). So as for my attitude about pulling an ostrich... same story... I am NOT allowed to whine and cry about the consequences that arise from it. I need to figure out a way to solve the problem and deal with it. Easier said than done... but I will try.
So that post stays.. embarrassment or not.
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