You Reap What You Sow

I have been saying this phrase a lot lately... along with trying to decide if I am a horrible daughter.

My sister, G, had called a couple of times on Sunday however we had gone camping this last weekend and didn't get home til later. She finally connected with me around 8:30 p.m. Now you need some background info on my sister and I. We are 11 years apart... she is the oldest out of 7... I am second to last. My mom always had little ones around and underfoot and my sister told me once that she felt more like my mom than my sister. However, by the time I have vivid memories of my sister, she was a late teen and not home much between working McD's and her boyfriends (like Milton... I called him Milton the Toaster.... does anyone remember that commercial?). Then my sister who always had a rough relationship with our mom moved out when she was 18. My little brother and I would get to spend the night at her place sometimes and she was very good about taking us to the zoo and the park. But most of my memories of her always have her as an adult. We were never close like sisters can be.

Then as I became an adult... got married and started having kids. Her life was in chaos. Her marriage of 16 years ended... she hooked up with and married (for 9 months) a man who may not have been particularly good for and to her. She has been a diabetic since 14 and has had many other health issues. Then she started on the meds and it became extremely hard to talk to her. Many times she was "loopy" for lack of a better word. Other times she was angry and combatitive. She could do no wrong... everyone else was though. I pretty much gave up talking to her. When I was in communication with her, I tended to worry too much about her. However, there were many times when she said she wished everyone would just leave her alone and just quit nagging her. So I did... I washed my hands of her. It didn't mean that I didn't love her... I just couldn't sit and watch her sink lower and lower.

So back to my phone call... I was a bit nervous when I had first heard her voice on the answering machine. In the past, you never knew which G you were going to get. I have gotten calls at 2 a.m. where she had to call me because of a Golden Girls episode reminded her of us. Or I had gotten phone calls where she was upset with something that someone else had "told" her that I had said. Like I said... I didn't know which G was calling.

Before I could call her back... she connected with me. And to my surprise, she was coherent (she only forgot one thing that I had just told her)... she sounded intelligent not drugged up or loopy. She told me that she has made some changes since moving to NC. She is no longer on any pain meds but now had to learn how to deal with the pain and the depression. It sounds like her move was the best thing for her. She is now living with our cousin who doesn't take her sh$t. She has "evicted" G twice and threatened to take her to a women's shelter. But since my sister is still living there, apparently our cousin has not done any of these. But just the fact that she doesn't coddle G and let her get away with stuff, I think is making for a huge change in her life.

So our conversation started off talking about the kids... mine and hers. She thought K1 was J when he answered the phone. She couldn't believe it when I said that K1 was taller than me too. I was brought up to date on her 3 kids... my niece and nephews that I haven't seen in a year. Then she hit me with the big question... "So what is up with you and mom?" Hmmm...

My reply... "Nothing." Which pretty much sums it up, seeing as how I haven't talked to my mom since December. Yes, I can hear the shock and surprise from all of you reading this. So I asked G what she had heard. She said that mom has been wondering trying to figure out what she did to make me not call her anymore and that she hadn't heard from me since August. Well... first of all,
I let G know that I was at mom's for Thanksgiving and that I had called her at least once in December. It was then when I went to our family Christmas gathering at my brother's house on the 23rd and was told that mom and dad weren't coming... they had decided to head south a couple of days earlier. I was mad... I was upset... I was extremely sad for my kids... and I was pissed. They didn't HAVE to leave early, they chose to. My mom is not a big fan of my sister-in-law who was hosting Christmas. So they didn't come. And yet, everytime I would see her, she would say to my kids... "We never get to see you anymore. You never come to visit." (side note:my parents live 3 hours away from me) Yet here it was Christmas and she purposely moved her trip up 2 days so she could avoid our family gathering. Then she didn't have the decency to tell me herself. I had to hear it from one of my brothers. My parents were now down south... with no phone call that they were leaving... not one phone call while they were gone... and not one phone call when they returned. I only knew that they were coming back in February.

So yes, I did not call my mom. I also didn't receive a phone call from her... I asked my sister that... when is the last time mom has called me? Her response... "Carrie, you know she doesn't like to call us... we are supposed to call her." Yeah, and those are always fun phone calls. She doesn't really ask about anything. When you tell her what's going on, she is short and doesn't encourage more details. Then after about 5 minutes, she says she has to go and that's the end. I have had enough. I am tired of putting the work into it with no positve return.

My sister went on to say that she now calls Mom and Dad every Sunday... she the one who couldn't be in her prescence 5 minutes without tension and fights breaking out. She reminded me that they are getting up there in years (they are 71 and 70) and that they won't be around for much longer. How am I going to feel then? Well, this is actually something that I have given lots of thought to. I knew that by not keeping incontact with my mom that there might come a day when she would be gone. And maybe it sounds cold but I am resolved with that. Not that I won't be sad... nobody wants their parent to die. But will I be upset with would've's coud'ves, should'ves??? No... I purposely made this decision.

My sister said that some days our cousin has to actually dial the phone and hand it to her but she does call them weekly. Then if things start getting heated, she has our cousin call to her from the background that they need to be going. But why bother? Why play the game at all? I don't have the energy for it.

Then there is the "I love you" factor. I can count on one hand the number of times I remember hearing it said to me in my lifetime (and I would still have fingers to spare). Then last summer I overheard my mom on a phone conversation with the same cousin that my sister now lives with... and just for the record I was not eavesdropping... I was in the loft on the computer and my mom knew I was there. But during her conversation, I heard my mom say that she doesn't believe in saying "I love you" that they are just words. She said she showed her kids she loved them thru her actions. I was completely dumbfounded when I heard this. I remember thinking what actions... how did she show us? I went thru most of my childhood beliving that I wasn not loved. My sister's response to this was that we had a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, vacations every summer... and I got a college education. But when it came to other moments in my life they weren't there. They never came to one of my high school volleyball games. When I graduated from college... they sat thru the 2.5 hour ceremony (my dad grumbling) but left right after... J's dad took us out to dinner afterwards. They weren't there for these moments... there were no hugs... and definitely no kisses... and no "I love you's". So G says that she tells them now that she loves them and they say it back to her... but again why bother? Especially when there is no feeling behind the words.

My sister said that she tore into my dad a few summers ago about how rude and mean he is to our brother's boys. He said quite frankly, "I don't like kids." She then said... that he had 7 of them... did he like them/us when we were little? His response..."not really, that's why I worked two jobs." I just shake my head.

I am not mad at nor am I purposely not calling my mom. I pretty much have just given up on being the only one putting work into the relationship. I feel like I am looking for crumbs when I call her and visit her. Sometimes it is better to starve.

So my conversation ended with G, with me promising to call mom for mother's day... it would be a day late (because I wasn't calling after that phone call... she would've been in bed) but better than not at all I guess.

So the next day, I was rushed and running around like crazy. It was my first regular day at the new job and I didn't want to be late. So I called mom from the van as I was pulling into the parking lot.

Me: Hi, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.
Mom: Who is this?
Me: Carrie
Mom: Oh, I didn't recognize your voice. I thought it was C (the cousin that G lives with).
Me: Sorry for not calling yesterday, but we were in IL camping this weekend and didn't get back til late.
Mom: Oh
*** Silence... Dead air ***
Me: Okay, well I just wanted to wish you a happy mother's day. I am starting a new job today and need to get going.
Mom: Oh, you are starting a new job?
Me: Yes, I quit the store and found this one thru some internet connections.
Mom: Oh, okay. Good-bye.

This is how most of our conversations go. She doesn't ask questions. She doesn't even ask about her grandkids (wait, I take that back... she did ask in this last conversation if K3 got her birthday card last week.) She isn't interested in our lives or anything that we are doing.

Plus, when she lived closer to me... we saw each other at least once a week. When she had her knee replacement surgery, I was the one who took her everyday for her physical therapy sessions (dragging 2 little kids with us each time). When they moved 3 hours away, she would periodically come down with my dad and call me up. We would usually spend the day together. Well, she hasn't called me in 2 years to do that. And I am pretty sure that she has been down here at least a few times in 2 years.

I don't mean to sound like I am whining... and I don't expect many of you to understand this. But for me... being around my mom, who has always been a very negative person, is draining. And then to realize that she wants the reap the benefits without doing any of the work. I can no longer do that. Will I try to call her more often... maybe... we'll see.

You reap what you sow... she has never sowed the seeds with love and tenderness and now she must reap what has been borne from those seeds. As for me, I refuse to sow those same seeds with my kids. They will be sown with love and nourishment. But maybe I am destined to continue this same cycle. My mom had a horrible relationship with her mom ( I rarely saw my nana unless we ran into her at another relative's house) and she has/had a horrible relationship with her eldest daughter. And now she has an indifferent one with me. I hope I can break this cycle with my own daughters.

But... you reap what you sow...

Why am I such an Ostrich?

Don't know why I do this to myself... I tend to pull an "ostrich" and then the sand still ends up flying... You'd think I'd learn by now but no... guess I am just a slow learner. Well, one thing is for sure, I will be seeing fireworks and it isn't even the 4th of July.

And it couldn't be happening at a better time... tomorrow is double job duty but at least it will give me something else to think about. The only bad thing is that I wasn't able to sleep well today and with shortened sleep tomorrow... I may not be exactly impressive at the new place. But I am determined to fake it with the best of them and pull it off.

I really need to get out and exercise... at least I haven't turned to food with all this going on but the exercise has slacked off. Now when I really need it the most... I will have to make sure that I get in some time tomorrow.

Off to work one job now... on a more positive note... only 5 more nights left there.

Arrrghhhh....

Someone...please anyone!!! Please tell me that someday my girls will be friends and actually like each other. They have days...well, maybe not days but definitely periods of time when they actually get along and can play well together. But then there are times like right now... K2 is down in the basement pissed off angry because her sister always gets things her way...

They were playing outside together after school very nicely... they had their bikes out and were zipping around the driveway. In the past we didn't always remember to close the garage door and there were times that I would come home from work at 5 a.m. and see it sitting wide open. Well, now that I have a nice bike in there, I have stressed the importance of closing the door when we are done with it. We live in a nice area but still... crime happens everywhere these days. So while I am doing BR arms, it dawns on me to ask the girls if they closed the garage door when they came in. OMIGAWD! It was as if I had accused someone of some atrocious act! Right away, K2 says that she wanted to but K3 wouldn't let her. K3, of course, has to deny this. Meanwhile, I am trying to finish arms...trying to relax before going into work (which if I don't wrap this up soon, I will be late!)... and listening to the two of them bicker about why the door didn't get closed. I finally lost it and told them to go check and see if it was closed. J gets involved at this point and tells the two of them to go outside, "Yes, in your pajamas."... to check the door. It doesn't matter who was last in... they both are supposed to go and check. Well, K2 is outraged at the injustice of it all... she didn't do anything... it was all her sister's fault... K3 is ruining her life!

She is now back upstairs in her room, telling her sister that she hates her because she ruins her life...

Do you think there is hope for these two? Will they ever be friends and appreciate what they have in each other? I am 11 years younger than my sister. By the time, I was old enough to appreciate having a sister, she was moved out and gone. I never felt close to my sister mainly because of the age difference. I would've loved to have a sister to confide in.. to teach me things. But I didn't... I look at these two and think how lucky they are and they don't even know it.

Ugh... I just want them to like each other... is there hope?

Okay... strange to do it here... and it is rather difficult tonight but here are my 3 Good things... I think I need to remind myself of them now more than ever...
1. A nice big hug from J
2. Fairly easy night at work last night
3. Lily, the guinea pig, greeting me when I sit at the computer.

My rants on family...

Now that the Christmas season is officially over... I can finally let loose on those things that happened this year that either upset me or pissed me off. At the forefront of all this would be the actions of my parents. My parents did not come to our family Christmas this year. They had left for South Carolina just two days before. Was there some dire reason they had to leave? Quite frankly, no. You see, the real reason is that my mom detests my SIL that was hosting Christmas this year. And honestly, none of us like her very much, she is bitter and cold. But 11 of my parents grandchildren were going to be there... how could they let petty differences get in the way of that. The other part of this that upset me is that no one would tell me that she was, in fact, not coming. I called one of my brothers, the one who definitely knew, and left a message on his VM asking him if they were going to be there. My brother ignored my phone call and me. Then two days before the party, I had to call that brother again for the cell number of another brother. This time I was able to ask him directly if mom and dad were coming... he stammered a bit and said that he didn't think so, in fact, he thought that they might be leaving that very day. HA! The jerk knew... see at the party, my brother brought out a gift bag for each of the granchildren present. Apparently, my parents arranged to drop them off with his wife that day that I had talked to him. Lies and secrecy... nice little addition to Christmas.

The other incident involved my MIL. Now to be honest, I get along fairly well with my in-laws, in fact, I enjoy spending time with them more than my own parents. However, every now and then one or the other will do or say something that usually sets me off. My in-laws usually save their Christmas shopping til the last week and do it all in one stop. At one point, my MIL said how hard my kids were to shop for(in fact, my kids have fairly extensive gift lists with ideas from clothes to books to games to electronics). So after looking at the gifts I had purchased for my kids, I called my MIL up to offer her a game that I had for my son. At this point, she said "thank you" but that she was buying clothes for all of the kids (which at this point I was sure when she said all the kids, what she meant was MY kids and not all of her grandchildren). She then went on to mention that she was also giving them money.... for COLLEGE... F-O-R --- C-O-L-L-E-G-E.... (I wish that I could have an audio of the way in which it was said... for she dragged it out and it came out rather snidely). At this point, she then asked... "They do have college funds, don't they?" I was surprised at how it was said and that it was asked at all. I didn't know what to say except that yes, in fact, they do. The phone conversation bothered me for a few days and especially so after she called me after their shopping excursion and said that she wanted to take me up on my offer of the gift for my son. I told the kids that part of their gifts from grandma and grandpa was money but that it was supposed to go into their college fund. I did this so the kids knew that they shouldn't consider it part of their everyday savings and announce it as such. (Although I have to admit it was rather funny when K#2 asked me "but what if I don't want to go to college?" But that is a story for another day.)Well, it wasn't bad enough that she said it to me in such a way but on Christmas day when she handed the kids each in envelope with their $20 she stressed and accented with a finger point to each of my kids... "For C-O-L-L-E-G-E!"..."For C-O-L-L-E-G-E!"..."For C-O-L-L-E-G-E!" Why should this upset me I am not exactly sure... as a gift, it is certainly her right to request how the money is to be used. But it was the manner in which it was said to me and my kids.

So despite my frustrations and agitation over both incidents, I am glad that I had some time to stew about them. I was able to work my way thru them and not blow up. My mother is who she is and will continue to do and say things that alienates herself further from my affections. However, no matter my feelings I would never intentionally keep her grandchildren from her. However, if she is going to purposely avoid opportunities to visit with her grandchildren then I am not going to bend over backwards trying to accomodate her. As for my MIL, while I do love her she has always felt free to voice her opionions. For the most part that is fine. However, on some occasions when she has conveyed her feelings, some of her opinions have been hurtful (our wedding and K#1's baptism). Why she felt the need to stress it not once, not twice but three times, I do not know. But rather than cause a rift on Christmas, it seemed easier to let it go (okay, I am still working on it). The only thing that I can do is to learn from these incidents. Try to remember when my children are grown with families of their own how to act, react and phrase questions and concerns.