Our Weekend...

First to update, K3 was feeling much better although K1 came home from school on Friday and wasn't feeling good. He was passed out on the couch by 6:30p.m. and after a brief period of semi-alertness to get him to move to his bed continued to sleep until 7:00 a.m. the following morning. K2 also proved to be rather emotional and whiny Saturday evening which was justified when she woke up Sunday a.m. with the same thing. Now all 3 kids have had this 24 hour bug... that leaves just J and myself... oh joy!

Saturday afternoon we ended up driving to visit the in-laws. On Thursday I had put out an SOS to my MIL for clothing help. I still am not sure what K1 will be wearing to Homecoming but I know that I am NOT buying him a suit coat for $150-$225 (before sale price). Insane! Yes, Kohl's had them on sale for 50% off but that is still way too much too spend on a boy who is GROWING at an alarming rate. So we have all learned that if you want something bought and you don't mind if it is used call Mom. She has an uncanny knack for finding the best items at ridiculous prices at St. Vinnie's and Goodwill. When I go to Goodwill, it's all crap. However, she can walk out with the best pieces. She did not fail us this time either. She had called on Friday to say that she had found not 1, not 2 BUT 4 suit coats PLUS a suit. And all of this was done with just having K1's measurements. We had decided that it was worth our time and gas to drive up to see them and check out the treasures she had found.

Out of all that she bought only one item didn't fit... a black blazer that we were hoping for because K1 needs it for concert band performances this winter. As for the other items, there was only one that he didn't like... a black houndstooth blazer. The suit was a dark green and his first thought was "Green?" But once he tried it on, it looked rather sharp on him so he changed his mind about that one. The pants need to be let out just a bit which thankfully my MIL is a fantastic seamstress as well so that will be taken care of (just not in time for Homecoming). K1 ended up coming home with a navy suit coat and vest and a taupe one as well. Two to choose from for Homecoming. And the grand total for 3 items we took... $25!! I told you she has an uncanny talent for thrift shopping.

We spent Saturday night exchanging pics with my SIL. She got to see ours from Yellowstone and we finally got to sit and view hers from her trip to Europe when she met her hubby who is stationed overseas. Very cool pictures. Someday I would love to visit Europe but probably not with J. :) My SIL did so much in such the time they had and admitted to running through some stuff just in order to see it all. J is the type of person who has to stop and READ everything and examine it all. It would take us a week just to do one of the cities she visited. Maybe I will get my chance with the kids. K1 and K2 are both taking Latin. Their high school trip travels to Rome... maybe I will offer my chaperone services and at least get to see that small part of the world. Actually, if the kids do it in separate trips then J could chaperone one trip and I, the other. However, it could be K1 and K2 going together their senior and sophmore years respectively; in which case, J is screwed because I will be going.

Other than going to a vintage car show, we spent Sunday being completely lazy. Along with K2 who wasn't feeling well, I had a major headache and just wanted to lay down all day. We waited for mom to wake up (a 3rd shift worker), enjoyed another slice of her apple pie and then came home.

First Year Reflections...

It has now been one year since I made the move to try to improve my health and weight. And while I had some success, I found myself reflecting back on my summer and its failures. While my summer was busy, hectic and yes, lots of fun (I can't forget that) it was also a step back on my road to fitness. I did good up until the beginning of July. Then it all seemed to fall apart from that point. I basically stopped exercising (my new bike sat in the garage unused). While I didn't resort back to my old eating habits, I wasn't as good as I should've been. I started drinking regular soda at restaurants. I was visiting Starbucks everyday which in itself isn't horrible except that along with my iced tea I was also getting bakery to go with it. Do you know how many calories are in a lemon bar? 440!! With 22g of fat!! I can't even admit to how many of those I ate in the month of July. So the fact that I put 10 lbs on this summer should really be no surprise. Actually it's surprising that I didn't put more back on.

However, another factor that I never really thought about until I was reading the Gator Patrol posts yesterday was the loss of computer time that I dealt with. You might think that spending less time on the computer might be a good thing, right? Less time sitting on your backside. BUT by not being on the computer I lost the support and encouragement of so many people. I was no longer posting on Gator Patrols (did they still do them this summer?) By being on the BB, I no longer had access to Alden's Fire Up speeches. I was no longer posting on the Revving for Life SparkTeam (which I am team leader of, I might add!) All of these things help in so many ways but I never realized their true impact.

I have tried (half-hearted) for so many years to lose weight --- really, it was more like talking about losing weight. It wasn't until I bought my bodyrev that I actually thought maybe this time I would do it. Then so many people on the BB had one and were using it (or saying they were using it). I was so terrified at first to even try it. What if I post that I am using it, going all out and then like everything else I tried, gave up and quit. How embarrassing would that be? So it was easier to NOT use it. But I had friends (bookpimp) who knew I owned it and would send me emails asking how it was going... or would get Mr. Bodyrev himself to do a shout out on the BB ("Congrats to Carrie for winning a Bodyrev at the silent auction in Atlanta.") This was even more embarrassing. People knew I had one and hadn't even tried it. So I bit the bullet and pulled it out of the box. Yep, it sat in the box for 2 months after I brought it home -- 2 months!

After I started using my BR, I had some other insecurity issues to overcome... mainly my embarrassment of exercising in front of my family. But they were the most supportive especially my girls (I think J was still waiting for me to quit like I had everything else). But the girls would comment on the changes (I can get my arms all the way around you for a hug.) or would ask me flat out... "Aren't you going to Bodyrev today? (That was K3, aka the Drill Sargent). And then the kicker... "I am so proud of you mama." My family was and has continued to be supportive.

But it was that other family... that family that I met on the BB that consisted of other bodyrevvers and fitness seekers. Every week, someone either Alden or one of the ladies would post a Fire Up or How are you Doin'? And people would post... successes, failures, strengths and weaknesses. If you had an awful crappy week, there were people in the same boat who encouraged you. If you had an awesome week, there were others there to cheer you on. No matter what the situation, support was there.

By spring the gator patrols were becoming less.... I mean after all this was an author's message board... did it bother others to have to read these posts. I don't know. But by this time I had found Sparkpeople. I was slowly getting into it... logging my food, my exercise, posting on message boards, joining Sparkteams. It was then that I decided to start a Bodyrev team on there to maybe lessen some of the posts from the BB. A few people joined and came over. And for awhile we were doing the same thing there that we did at the BB.... weekly encouragements... support... cheerleading.

But then I went AWOL from the computer (trying to fight 3 kids for the computer wasn't much fun and I gave in). It didn't seem to matter at the time... I was busy doing other things. But when I stopped logging my food, I stopped watching so closely what I was eating. When I stopped visiting SP and the BB and I stopped reading those weekly support sessions, it was too easy to give up on exercise. I didn't have to think about it... there was no one to remind me about it.

For awhile I was calling this summer a waste - hello, 10 lbs?!? After losing a total of 35 lbs? That was more than two steps back. But after reading a post on the Revving for Life team, I realized just how much that lack of support... those weekly check-ins... those people saying "I need some help."... had an effect on me. I could probably do this alone if I absolutely had to. But it would be so hard and seriously, in all honesty, I don't know that I would succeed. But with the support and encouragement of others who are going thru the exact same thing that you are... are having the same good days, bad days (weeks?)... it is so much easier. Just the fact that you are not alone has the power to help carry you along.

So know this... to those who during this past year who have offered support, encouragement, cheers... I thank you deeply from the bottom of my heart. I hope you know how much it has all meant to me... I realize that now even more. And to those of you who need help, who want to join me on this road to better health and feeling fit, know that I will be here for you. Just give a shout and I will be there.

We can do this together.

My Life Lately...

Things are going very well for me... not perfect but pretty good. So I thought I would update on some of it.

Fit and Healthy...
I am really focused on getting myself healthier. Yes, this means losing weight but it's so much more than that. In fact, the scale is moving rather slowly right now although from 5/1 to 5/31 I dropped 4 pounds... not bad. And I lost 4.5 inches that month... well, actually more because I didn't exercise very much at the beginning of the month and acutally increased in my waist but then lost it again. The biggest losses came in my bust and my thighs - woo hoo! Most of you know that I am really involved with Sparkpeople and I have been busy trying to read the articles and just learn from others what works and what doesn't. There are some fanatics on there however, but that is not me. I enjoy food way too much... I am not ready to become a vegitarian nor do all my shopping at Whole Foods. And there is no way I am giving up my Starbucks visits! But I am trying to make cut backs where I can. I use low fat or no fat wherever I can... my milk is skim, my cottage cheese is 1%. I switched to Splenda for sweetening my teas, grapefruits, etc. I use sugar-free wherever I can... my latest SF purchase was syrup for my nutri-grain waffles... K1 asked if sugar free syrup was even possible. But honestly... it's not that bad. So I am still traveling this road...fighting all the time to succeed at it. J comments on my body changes all the time.... how my tummy is becoming less (used to be right out there under the bust, not anymore. The kids comment on it ("Mom, I think you did your stair workout long enough." - this was at the 40 minute mark.) I can feel the difference in my clothes. So I know the changes are happening... I just need to learn to be patient and not give up if the scale stops moving. I am learning that there is more to focus on than just weight.

The New Job...
The job is going well. I am slowly picking up more knowledge on the health insurance business but there is so much to learn. Somedays I feel rather stupid. "Didn't she just tell me that?" However, Cheryl who sits next to me and is lucky enough to answer most of my questions, is really wonderful and patient. I don't know if I would be if the roles were reversed. I really need to learn to trust myself more. But all my life I have hated dealing with our health insurance and have always left it to J... now the jokes on me, as I have to learn it all anyway. But I will say this... damn... you smokers out there... I thought smoking was expensive just with the purchase of cigarettes... now when I work up quotes for smokers vs non-smokers... whoo-ee, I think I would quit just to save the money. Ouch! I never knew that the difference in insurance was that much.

Also with the new job comes the use of the fitness room in our lower level. Technically, I do not get a lunch but I have been going in 1/2 hour earlier in order to take a lunch with some of the ladies from the office. For the most part I do the stationary bike for 15-20 minutes and once in awhile I will jump on the elliptical. But it feels good to get some physical activity during the day. That was one of my worries with switching from a very physical job to a desk job but if I keep going down to the health room, I shouldn't have any problem.

The Kids...
School is almost done for the year... June 12th. I can't wait... thinking that it has to be better than what it's like right now. But then there's that problem of thinking the grass is always greener. Right now, however, I am getting up at 5:15 to get K2 up and going, then K1 gets up at 5:45. They leave at 6:40 and then K3 gets up. I have been trying to do exercises during that time but I swear... my oldest two need more help in the a.m. than the youngest one. K1 is the worst... he has things in the a.m. that he HAS to do (shower, brush teeth and acne control). He will not leave the house unless those 3 things are done. IF that means skipping breakfast or not making a lunch, so be it... he doesn't care. I can't stand seeing him go to school with no breakfast so I usually end up making him something (usually a smoothie or oatmeal). K2 isn't quite as bad but there are certain things for breakfast that she doesn't like making and will usually call on me to help. The littlest, K3, completely gets her clothes out, showers, makes her lunch and usually her own breakfast. I try to help her where I can, usually because I feel so damn guilty. But this is also the time when I get the most exercise in... because there are less interruptions.

Although, one day last week, I was driving K3 to school (I had to be at work earlier) and she said to me, "I am really glad you took this job." I was a little surprised because I didn't think that much had changed for her... she is still doing most of her prep work on her own. But she said that I was awake now in the morning, I never slept on the couch and I was happier in the a.m. too. It made me feel great that she was happy with all of this.

Anyway, I am hoping that with school done next week that the kids will sleep in and let me have my peaceful mornings. I still plan to wake up earlier (just not 5a.m. early) and try to get my exercise in. The kids don't know it yet but they will have a list of jobs to do during the week while I am at work. That's going to go over well... *snickers* But right now, I am exhausted by 10 p.m. and usually in bed not much later. We will see if that changes once school is done.

Reading...
Yes, I know I haven't done a Reading Update for April nor May. I did read in April... maybe I will post the titles. But honestly, in May I barely read. I had two books going, The Sunday List of Dreams (which was actually not bad still haven't finished it) but I kept losing it (one time for 2 weeks!) and The Grapes of Wrath. I picked Grapes because it was a recommendation from a Classics Book Club that I joined at SP. I have not read many (ANY?) classic books and thought this would give me an opportunity to try some. However, that one was just not working for me. I am not sure though if it was the book itself or if I was just so tired by the end of the day that I couldn't concentrate on the deep topic. I finally gave up on it last week. I missed reading! I had to find some books that I could just read for enjoyment. I have two going right now... a YA book called A Certain Slant of Light... a ghost story. And Dates from Hell, an anthology of paranormal romance stories. The last is definitely a mindless, easy, fun read. It moves fast and is perfect for my bedtime reading. The other one I am sticking to during the day when I am more awake (and quite honestly when thinking about ghosts won't freak the hell outta me!).

My Family...
I received a call on my answering machine form my sister telling me how much my phone call meant to my mom ("Who is this?" - Remember that one?). I told her I doubted it and told her about the phone call. She didn't know that's what my mom had said to me. So what my mom is saying to me and telling my sister... who knows... I will try to call my mom once a month. But that's about the best I can promise... I just find it hard dealing with her negativity.

But on a positve note... I have my sister back in my life. Well, not physically anyway seeing as how she now lives in NC. BUT we have talked on the phone 3X since Mother's Day ... and I think that might be 3X more than we talked all last year. She sounds good... she sounds stronger than I have heard her sound in maybe a decade. She isn't preachy to me but suggests or encourages. Not sure if she is still sure that she is right about everything when it comes to her health, we haven't broached that subject. BUT it feels so good to talk to her now... I am hoping that this is something that will continue.

So that's about it... my life lately. I wil try to do better about posting. It just seems like there is never enough hours in the day!

The Phone Call...

Did you ever get one of those phone calls where you just know the news is not good? Happened to me last night at about 8:00. My MIL called and says... "Carrie, okay... we are on our way to *** (the town where my SIL lives)." Now I just spent an hour on the phone with that SIL earlier today... all was good. No mention of mom and dad coming for a visit. So I knew... I just knew this was not a pleasure visit. Apparently, my SIL, her husband and three kids (6, 4, and 22 days) were in a car accident. All air left my lungs... Her next words were that everyone was okay... they were being released from ER. Other than some bumps, bruises, cuts and probably very sore... all are okay. But when I think about how bad this could've been... it just tears at me. Somebody "upstairs" was watching out for them.

Apparently, their minivan was hit by a woman who had fallen asleep and ran a red light. Her story... her daughter had just had a baby last night and she had been up all night with her. When I thought about what her lack of sleep could've resulted in, I was angry, pissed off and then had to realize that this could've been me. If you knew how many times I have driven on a lack of sleep... sometimes I had gone 30, 36 hours without sleep... sometimes I had only an hour or two. And there is even one time that I can remember driving with the kids in the van with me (don't remember what was so important that I needed to drive to it without proper sleep... couldn't have been that important that I had to risk my kids lives.) We were two miles from home and I remember telling the kids to watch my eyes... if they started to close, they needed to shout at me... Which they ended up doing a few times on that short but very long ride home. That right there is reason enough to be glad for my job change this month. I was extremely lucky. I very easily could've been that woman yesterday who nearly destroyed a family very dear to me.

So I owe many thanks to Him... for watching over my SIL and her family last night... and for always having an eye on me for all the times that I drove on minimal or no sleep at all. And for those of you reading this... I hope you never get THAT phone call where you know the news is not good.

You Reap What You Sow

I have been saying this phrase a lot lately... along with trying to decide if I am a horrible daughter.

My sister, G, had called a couple of times on Sunday however we had gone camping this last weekend and didn't get home til later. She finally connected with me around 8:30 p.m. Now you need some background info on my sister and I. We are 11 years apart... she is the oldest out of 7... I am second to last. My mom always had little ones around and underfoot and my sister told me once that she felt more like my mom than my sister. However, by the time I have vivid memories of my sister, she was a late teen and not home much between working McD's and her boyfriends (like Milton... I called him Milton the Toaster.... does anyone remember that commercial?). Then my sister who always had a rough relationship with our mom moved out when she was 18. My little brother and I would get to spend the night at her place sometimes and she was very good about taking us to the zoo and the park. But most of my memories of her always have her as an adult. We were never close like sisters can be.

Then as I became an adult... got married and started having kids. Her life was in chaos. Her marriage of 16 years ended... she hooked up with and married (for 9 months) a man who may not have been particularly good for and to her. She has been a diabetic since 14 and has had many other health issues. Then she started on the meds and it became extremely hard to talk to her. Many times she was "loopy" for lack of a better word. Other times she was angry and combatitive. She could do no wrong... everyone else was though. I pretty much gave up talking to her. When I was in communication with her, I tended to worry too much about her. However, there were many times when she said she wished everyone would just leave her alone and just quit nagging her. So I did... I washed my hands of her. It didn't mean that I didn't love her... I just couldn't sit and watch her sink lower and lower.

So back to my phone call... I was a bit nervous when I had first heard her voice on the answering machine. In the past, you never knew which G you were going to get. I have gotten calls at 2 a.m. where she had to call me because of a Golden Girls episode reminded her of us. Or I had gotten phone calls where she was upset with something that someone else had "told" her that I had said. Like I said... I didn't know which G was calling.

Before I could call her back... she connected with me. And to my surprise, she was coherent (she only forgot one thing that I had just told her)... she sounded intelligent not drugged up or loopy. She told me that she has made some changes since moving to NC. She is no longer on any pain meds but now had to learn how to deal with the pain and the depression. It sounds like her move was the best thing for her. She is now living with our cousin who doesn't take her sh$t. She has "evicted" G twice and threatened to take her to a women's shelter. But since my sister is still living there, apparently our cousin has not done any of these. But just the fact that she doesn't coddle G and let her get away with stuff, I think is making for a huge change in her life.

So our conversation started off talking about the kids... mine and hers. She thought K1 was J when he answered the phone. She couldn't believe it when I said that K1 was taller than me too. I was brought up to date on her 3 kids... my niece and nephews that I haven't seen in a year. Then she hit me with the big question... "So what is up with you and mom?" Hmmm...

My reply... "Nothing." Which pretty much sums it up, seeing as how I haven't talked to my mom since December. Yes, I can hear the shock and surprise from all of you reading this. So I asked G what she had heard. She said that mom has been wondering trying to figure out what she did to make me not call her anymore and that she hadn't heard from me since August. Well... first of all,
I let G know that I was at mom's for Thanksgiving and that I had called her at least once in December. It was then when I went to our family Christmas gathering at my brother's house on the 23rd and was told that mom and dad weren't coming... they had decided to head south a couple of days earlier. I was mad... I was upset... I was extremely sad for my kids... and I was pissed. They didn't HAVE to leave early, they chose to. My mom is not a big fan of my sister-in-law who was hosting Christmas. So they didn't come. And yet, everytime I would see her, she would say to my kids... "We never get to see you anymore. You never come to visit." (side note:my parents live 3 hours away from me) Yet here it was Christmas and she purposely moved her trip up 2 days so she could avoid our family gathering. Then she didn't have the decency to tell me herself. I had to hear it from one of my brothers. My parents were now down south... with no phone call that they were leaving... not one phone call while they were gone... and not one phone call when they returned. I only knew that they were coming back in February.

So yes, I did not call my mom. I also didn't receive a phone call from her... I asked my sister that... when is the last time mom has called me? Her response... "Carrie, you know she doesn't like to call us... we are supposed to call her." Yeah, and those are always fun phone calls. She doesn't really ask about anything. When you tell her what's going on, she is short and doesn't encourage more details. Then after about 5 minutes, she says she has to go and that's the end. I have had enough. I am tired of putting the work into it with no positve return.

My sister went on to say that she now calls Mom and Dad every Sunday... she the one who couldn't be in her prescence 5 minutes without tension and fights breaking out. She reminded me that they are getting up there in years (they are 71 and 70) and that they won't be around for much longer. How am I going to feel then? Well, this is actually something that I have given lots of thought to. I knew that by not keeping incontact with my mom that there might come a day when she would be gone. And maybe it sounds cold but I am resolved with that. Not that I won't be sad... nobody wants their parent to die. But will I be upset with would've's coud'ves, should'ves??? No... I purposely made this decision.

My sister said that some days our cousin has to actually dial the phone and hand it to her but she does call them weekly. Then if things start getting heated, she has our cousin call to her from the background that they need to be going. But why bother? Why play the game at all? I don't have the energy for it.

Then there is the "I love you" factor. I can count on one hand the number of times I remember hearing it said to me in my lifetime (and I would still have fingers to spare). Then last summer I overheard my mom on a phone conversation with the same cousin that my sister now lives with... and just for the record I was not eavesdropping... I was in the loft on the computer and my mom knew I was there. But during her conversation, I heard my mom say that she doesn't believe in saying "I love you" that they are just words. She said she showed her kids she loved them thru her actions. I was completely dumbfounded when I heard this. I remember thinking what actions... how did she show us? I went thru most of my childhood beliving that I wasn not loved. My sister's response to this was that we had a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, vacations every summer... and I got a college education. But when it came to other moments in my life they weren't there. They never came to one of my high school volleyball games. When I graduated from college... they sat thru the 2.5 hour ceremony (my dad grumbling) but left right after... J's dad took us out to dinner afterwards. They weren't there for these moments... there were no hugs... and definitely no kisses... and no "I love you's". So G says that she tells them now that she loves them and they say it back to her... but again why bother? Especially when there is no feeling behind the words.

My sister said that she tore into my dad a few summers ago about how rude and mean he is to our brother's boys. He said quite frankly, "I don't like kids." She then said... that he had 7 of them... did he like them/us when we were little? His response..."not really, that's why I worked two jobs." I just shake my head.

I am not mad at nor am I purposely not calling my mom. I pretty much have just given up on being the only one putting work into the relationship. I feel like I am looking for crumbs when I call her and visit her. Sometimes it is better to starve.

So my conversation ended with G, with me promising to call mom for mother's day... it would be a day late (because I wasn't calling after that phone call... she would've been in bed) but better than not at all I guess.

So the next day, I was rushed and running around like crazy. It was my first regular day at the new job and I didn't want to be late. So I called mom from the van as I was pulling into the parking lot.

Me: Hi, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.
Mom: Who is this?
Me: Carrie
Mom: Oh, I didn't recognize your voice. I thought it was C (the cousin that G lives with).
Me: Sorry for not calling yesterday, but we were in IL camping this weekend and didn't get back til late.
Mom: Oh
*** Silence... Dead air ***
Me: Okay, well I just wanted to wish you a happy mother's day. I am starting a new job today and need to get going.
Mom: Oh, you are starting a new job?
Me: Yes, I quit the store and found this one thru some internet connections.
Mom: Oh, okay. Good-bye.

This is how most of our conversations go. She doesn't ask questions. She doesn't even ask about her grandkids (wait, I take that back... she did ask in this last conversation if K3 got her birthday card last week.) She isn't interested in our lives or anything that we are doing.

Plus, when she lived closer to me... we saw each other at least once a week. When she had her knee replacement surgery, I was the one who took her everyday for her physical therapy sessions (dragging 2 little kids with us each time). When they moved 3 hours away, she would periodically come down with my dad and call me up. We would usually spend the day together. Well, she hasn't called me in 2 years to do that. And I am pretty sure that she has been down here at least a few times in 2 years.

I don't mean to sound like I am whining... and I don't expect many of you to understand this. But for me... being around my mom, who has always been a very negative person, is draining. And then to realize that she wants the reap the benefits without doing any of the work. I can no longer do that. Will I try to call her more often... maybe... we'll see.

You reap what you sow... she has never sowed the seeds with love and tenderness and now she must reap what has been borne from those seeds. As for me, I refuse to sow those same seeds with my kids. They will be sown with love and nourishment. But maybe I am destined to continue this same cycle. My mom had a horrible relationship with her mom ( I rarely saw my nana unless we ran into her at another relative's house) and she has/had a horrible relationship with her eldest daughter. And now she has an indifferent one with me. I hope I can break this cycle with my own daughters.

But... you reap what you sow...

It's Our Parties... We'll Cry if We Want To...

Do you remember that feeling when you were invited to a party as a kid and for whatever reason... you couldn't go? K2 and I are both suffering that right now. Her best friend's birthday party is next weekend and get this... the parents are taking 12(!!) girls down to Gurnee for the night and then spending the day at Six Flags Great America. Quite the party, hey? Well, months ago I decided to make arrangements to go camping (cabin NOT tent yet) for that same weekend. She is upset because she can't go. It's her BFF... it's THE birthday party of the year. It was even suggested to me by her BFF's mom that she could spend the weekend with them. Well, I said no to that one... call me cruel but we have not had a family weekend in what seems like forever. Plus, it's Mother's Day... it would be nice to have all my kids around... at least while I can still force them. So she is missing it and she is pretty upset about it.

Well, K2, I know exactly how you feel. Some ladies from the BB are planning another trip to Bad Frogs in June (or was it July?) and I can't go. Money is really tight right now and with gas prices soaring (3.27 as of yesterday), it is just out of reach. I told J that I even think we should either cancel our family vacation for August or scale back. So how do I tell my kids that we aren't doing the big vacation we talked about and then turn around and try to justify my going to another state to go to a bar. It doesn't work. So while she is missing her biggest party of the year... I will be doing the same. Sometimes life does suck and she is learning that and I am yet again reminded of it.

My Legacy...

The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.
- William James, philosopher and psychologist


There's a woman on the BB who I find amazing...well, there are actually quite a few of them but this one posted something on the BB this week that brought back memories... good and bad. Natalia is a young woman who has a "little sister"... being single and childless, she selflessly devotes time to befriend a young girl. Being the mom of 3 children, I can understand the time and dedication that is called for in making time for a child. But to do this for someone not of your own flesh and blood, takes a special human being. She often posts stories of their activities on the BB which are always a joy to read.

This week she posted about a hiking trip that she and her little sister made... their attempt to climb to the summit of Mount Helena. They attempted the "easy" trail... 1.6 miles w/a 1000ft change in elevation. They made it about 3/4 of the way before she had to stop and turn around. And even though her little sister was disappointed to not make it further, she acted like the hike was too hard for her too so that Natalia wouldn't feel bad about not making it. What a relationship!

This story reminded me of one of my weight inflicted memories... The summer of 2005, we took a family vacation to Colorado. On our way to the western part of the state, we stopped at the Great Sand Dunes National Park. I had been there as a kid and loved it... how cool in the middle of a state famous for its majestic mountains to find a huge oasis of sand dunes. My kids had set a distant "peak" as the point that they wanted to hike to. I laughed and said okay... knowing full well we would never go that far. Have you ever walked in sand? Sand that your feet sink into? Then add to that sand great sloping hills... up and down... crossing narrow ridge lines. I have no idea what I weighed in 2005 but it was very close to what I weighed last year... plus, add to that little or no exercise. Walking those sand dunes was one of the most physical challenges I have ever had to face! We walked and kept moving sometimes slowly... very slowly. We climbed peaks only to discover that the peak the kids wanted to make it to was still a few away. That's one thing about being in the middle of these rolling hills of sand... nothing ever looked as far as it really was. There came a point after climbing one hill and just having discovered it was still not the top and we had yet another steeper climb to make. I looked at that and said no way... I was done. But the kids wouldn't have it, they wanted to go on. I told them that I would wait there for them and they could go on with their dad. Nope! They wouldn't have it... we were on a family vacation and we had to do it together.. .sorta their version of no man or mom left behind. I saw how much this meant to my kids so I trudged on. That last climb was so hard.... so slow. I would look up thinking surely we were almost there only to discover that I wasn't even halfway. One of the kids would hang back to "help" me along. Sometimes J would be there pulling me forward. There finally came a point where I just collapsed... I couldn't do it... I couldn't go another step. But my stubborn kids wouldn't leave me... they sat there with me, waiting while I rested. I told them... finally I begged and pleaded with them... "Please, just go on without me." They wouldn't do it. They said either we all do it together or we don't. Sitting there in the sand I just began to cry. Here was something my kids wanted so badly and my fat, out of shape body wasn't letting me do it. I tried again... begged... pleaded for them to go on without me. They refused. I then had a decision to make... turn around and start the trip back down or pick myself up and go forward. Well, I couldn't let them miss this opportunity... this was something they desperately wanted. I had to do it for them. So I picked myself up and started again. One step at a time... looking down at the sand the entire time.... one step, then another, then one more. The kids would encourage me... "You can do it, mom!" "You're almost there!" They lied about that one. Soon one by one they started making it to the top... "Come on, mom! You have to see this!" "You can do it, mom!" Finally, I took that last step that brought me over the top. I had done it. I collapsed in the sand and my daughter said to me... "I knew you COULD do it."

That day I hated myself and what I had let my body become. I never would've gone half as far as I did if it had not been for my kids. They are the inspiration for all that I do. That right there is the biggest reason for my success this time. When I first started trying to lose weight back in September, it was all about the pounds. It wasn't til I sat down and figured out why I wanted to do this and put my kids at the top of that list, that I actually had some success at it. I want to live longer. I want to see my kids grow up and have families of their own. I want to become a grandparent or maybe even a great-grandparent. I want to enjoy life now with my kids. I want to be able to do things that were too difficult to do in the past (like climb a sand dune). I want to do fun everyday type stuff (like ride bikes) with them. They are my inspiration for doing this. Sure there are other reasons, but they are right there at the top.

In fact, I lost sight of that a few months ago and once again it became about the numbers on the scale. I had lost 30 lbs in 3 months and then just stopped... a plateau. It really threw me and I lost focus. It wasn't until last month that I had to go back and revisit why I am doing this in the first place.

They are my legacy... they are how I want to leave my mark on this world. If nothing else can be said about me... hopefully, they will say... She was a good mom.

How Do You Approach the Day??

Gawd, how true! This hits home for me in so many ways... there are so many days when I start the day worrying about something, or tired, or just in a general bad mood. And doesn't that just set the tone for the rest of the day??? I was once told by a former boss of mine, that my mood tends to set the tone for the night at work... now, I find it hard to believe that I am responsible for 2o+ people on any given night but what she was trying to say that on the nights that I was up and high energy, that it was contagious and others picked up on that. She may have had a point but I still think she gave me too much credit for the mood of the crew. But I can see where her point does affect my daily life because if I am feeling bad, sad, mad, frustrated... I know my kids pick up on that and I have now started them off on a bad day as well.

I was thinking about this quote though and how it affects my fitness self. Lately, I am just enjoying life. I do have some back burner problems that are simmering... I don't mean to imply that all is perfect but I am not dwelling on those. I know they are there and I am taking steps to work on them. But anywho, back to my point... I did have one, right?... These last two weeks I have just had a completely different renewed sense of exhilaration! I look forward to exercising... whether it is the BodyRev or biking/walking or my strength exercises that I am doing. I love the feeling of euphoria that I seem to have right now. I look at my day and try to decide ahead of time where I am going to fit in some exercise and if it works, GREAT... if it doesn't, I try to adjust. And if I absolutely can't fit what I intended in, then I try to modify... my new motto is... Something... Anything is better than nothing!

Today K2 babysat her little charge at our house... K1 needed new gym shoes (he tried telling me he needed size 14!!! He got a size 12.)... there was dinner to worry about... I only had 2.5 hours of sleep this morning because of the interview... and I wanted to exercise... Normally, I would've stressed about wanting to do it all... I would've gotten myself worked up to a point where I was frustrated, upset and frazzled. But today I didn't let it get to me... K2 did her babysitting job... when the "little princess" left at 4:30, we hit some sports stores and the mall for new shoes for K1 (he is running the mile at school tomorrow and his old shoes wouldn't have made it). We spent longer than I had intended on the shoes but we left the mall with a pair he was happy with and that fit... I wasn't all that crazy about the price ($65) but it was cheaper than alot of the others that we saw... so half full type of thing. I decided to take it easy on myself and treat the kids to dinner at the mall (plus, I got to get my sandwich at B&N). We made it home by 7:00 and after seeing that the kids were settled in with their homework, I and my bike hit the road for the last remnants of sunshine. I had a great 40 minute ride thru neighborhood roads... I pushed myself on some and enjoyed the downhill breeze on others. When I came home, it was time to get everyone to bed. And I still managed to get in 35 minutes of my strength training program in.

The day went really well... and all of this on only 2.5 hours of sleep! But this was a perfect example for me of how a positive attitude can help get so much accomplished. Did I do everything? No... I have dirty dishes in the sink... not many though and they will be done in the a.m. while the kids are getting ready for school. No problem.

I really have to try to remember this... because I know this isn't a life change for me yet...but if I could just get to the point where this could be the norm, how great that could be. Oh, and as for influence... the girls had a much better day... I complimented them how nice it was not to have any fighting going on today.... small skirmishes but no major battles. AND K1 at 8:00 asked if it was okay if he went out and ran a mile... which he did. So maybe my positive attitude had something to do with that.

Think about it... how will you face your busy, hectic day tomorrow?

Arrrghhhh....

Someone...please anyone!!! Please tell me that someday my girls will be friends and actually like each other. They have days...well, maybe not days but definitely periods of time when they actually get along and can play well together. But then there are times like right now... K2 is down in the basement pissed off angry because her sister always gets things her way...

They were playing outside together after school very nicely... they had their bikes out and were zipping around the driveway. In the past we didn't always remember to close the garage door and there were times that I would come home from work at 5 a.m. and see it sitting wide open. Well, now that I have a nice bike in there, I have stressed the importance of closing the door when we are done with it. We live in a nice area but still... crime happens everywhere these days. So while I am doing BR arms, it dawns on me to ask the girls if they closed the garage door when they came in. OMIGAWD! It was as if I had accused someone of some atrocious act! Right away, K2 says that she wanted to but K3 wouldn't let her. K3, of course, has to deny this. Meanwhile, I am trying to finish arms...trying to relax before going into work (which if I don't wrap this up soon, I will be late!)... and listening to the two of them bicker about why the door didn't get closed. I finally lost it and told them to go check and see if it was closed. J gets involved at this point and tells the two of them to go outside, "Yes, in your pajamas."... to check the door. It doesn't matter who was last in... they both are supposed to go and check. Well, K2 is outraged at the injustice of it all... she didn't do anything... it was all her sister's fault... K3 is ruining her life!

She is now back upstairs in her room, telling her sister that she hates her because she ruins her life...

Do you think there is hope for these two? Will they ever be friends and appreciate what they have in each other? I am 11 years younger than my sister. By the time, I was old enough to appreciate having a sister, she was moved out and gone. I never felt close to my sister mainly because of the age difference. I would've loved to have a sister to confide in.. to teach me things. But I didn't... I look at these two and think how lucky they are and they don't even know it.

Ugh... I just want them to like each other... is there hope?

Okay... strange to do it here... and it is rather difficult tonight but here are my 3 Good things... I think I need to remind myself of them now more than ever...
1. A nice big hug from J
2. Fairly easy night at work last night
3. Lily, the guinea pig, greeting me when I sit at the computer.

Finally Spring has Arrived!

The temps finally hit the 50's today! Although we didn't take advantage of it right away. The kids had popped in a movie and I curled up with Vengeance in Death and finished it!! Good book!

I finally got to pull out that new bike and give it a try. K2 and I went for a 40 minute ride thru the neighborhood. Hmm... I need to be sure to continue to do BR legs... my legs were burning for a bit... can't have that now. I know I can do better.

For dinner, we threw a couple of cheap steaks onto the grill and added a salad, baked potatoes (sweet potato for me), some green beans and French bread. A most fantastic meal! I even surprised the kids with strawberry shortcake for dessert.

Nothing much going on tonight... I think I am going to crash with a new book... I have two historicals sent from the Book Pimp via Sinful that I have yet to read... The Raven Prince and A Lady's Pleasure. I think I will start with RP, I believe I heard good things on the BB about it.

So goodnight, all! Hope you are having a good weekend.

My 3 good things:
1. Bike ride
2. All the kids getting their bikes ready for spring
3. Strawberry shortcake

Just another day...

We had a nice, quiet day today... no late night rush to the ER. :) I woke K1 up this morning to see how his hand was doing. He had taken the wrap off sometime during the night and seemed to be doing much better... he could now bend his fingers and the swelling was almost completely gone. We decided not to visit his pediatrician today since it looked like everything was back to normal. It is strange what happened.... J mentioned to me this a.m. that the one thing no one mentioned (although Sin did here on my blog) was a bug bite. I suppose that's what it could've been but it has been so cold here for the last week and a half... I haven't seem many spiders or such around. But whatever it was seems to have cleared up.

Many of you probably thought I was psycho to run away with the idea of the blood clot but once you know someone who died that way... the image is hard to reject from your mind. My former sister-in-law lost her nephew this way. He had been in a slight accident where his leg was injured... they took care of him at the hospital, wrapped his leg and sent him home. That night he started to feel weak and lethargic and before the ambulance could arrive, he died in his dad's arms. He was 15. Whenever I hear of a child dying, the image stays with me... whether I knew them or not. I don't want it happening to me. So that is why when K1's hand went ice cold last night and the pain moved from his fingers to his hand to his mid-forearm, I knew I wanted to be at the hospital in case anything went further wrong. It was me being a worrisome mom.

But all is well today... thank gawd... and now we just wait for the ER bill. J and I were playing guessing games at how much it would be... he is guessing $2K... I don't think it will be quite that much but we haven't had an ER visit in 8 years so what do I know?

The rest of today was very uneventful... The girls cleared some books off their bookshelves and we took those in to Half Price Books today ($14 for a bag of children books... not bad!) Then we went to Barnes and Noble for lunch... I have missed my Turkey Chipotle sandwich this week! When we came home, K2 and I checked the internet for the nutrition info on what we ate... not bad and some not good. My iced tea is safe and the sandwich isn't bad... about 320 calories... but it is the dessert that got us... The girls split a Molten Chocolate Bundt cake (47o calories...but they shared it) and I thought I was getting a healthier choice with the Lemon Raspberry Square... HA! It was 420 calories!!!! And I didn't share mine... ouch!

When we came home, the temps were only in the 40's but the sun was shining... so I wanted to go for a walk and the girls joined me. We had a lovely hour walk down to a local pond... still too cold for the frogs though.

Then tonight after J came home and ate we went to Target... I needed a new bike helmet because I know it is going to warm up soon and I plan to be on my bike! Plus, we checked out bikes for K2... she claims she needs a new one and her birthday is coming up in June so maybe...

A nice quiet day...very, very enjoyable!

My 3 good things:
1. Turkey Chipotle Panini sandwich
2. K3 discovering a "waterfall" in the neighbor's drainage ditch
3. Sleeping in this a.m. after J left for work

I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.
- JD Salinger

What do you think??? True? For me, yes in so many ways... I am surrounded by family (husband and kids) and dear, dear internet friends who seem to support me in so many ways, especially when it comes to my support system on this fitness road I seem to have found my way to. J and the kids are so extremely supportive yet without being "mean" about it... "are you sure you should be eating that?" And friends from the BB who are there constantly with words of encouragement, especially when I was in my fitness depression and couldn't seem to find my way out. Or if I have had a great week, they are there with cheers for a job well done.

But the funny thing is... I don't find this everywhere. Why is it when some people start to lose weight others have to find ways to bring them down? Remember when Oprah lost a ton of weight... her popularity actually went down. Why is that? I ran into a similiar situation from other family members last Christmas. I only had one sister-in-law who actually asked if I had lost weight. And then after that another sister-in-law snidely asked "Just how was I losing the weight?" No mentions of "gee, you look good." Or "way to go" or "good job". And my mom... my mom who spent my entire teen years trying to get me to lose weight... from bribing me with new wardrobes to commenting that I needed skinny friends... never said one word... not one. Now you have to understand that my mom has battled weight issues her entire life and she is a person who can never be happy for someone who has something or has acheived something that she herself desires. But its sad really... This is my family... people who are supposed to be supportive and yet I get more support from friends I met thru the internet... and some of them are people that I haven't even met physically yet. Something is wrong with that picture!

However, the people who mean the most to me in the world... J and the kids are by far the most supportive. Sometimes reminding me to exercise or joining me on walks.... And J has never made cracks about my weight or made me feel bad about it. He has always accepted me for who I am... not that he wouldn't want to see me weigh less... but then it is more of a health issue for him and not an appearance one.

So I am truly blessed... to have the support system that I do. And yes, I really do believe that they are very pleased to see me happy and doing so well.

Thank you all!

Introducing.... Mr. Jack O'Bunny!!!

I put off finding the baskets... yes, you heard me correctly... FINDING.... until last night. They never got put away properly after last year. I wasn't too worried because I thought they were "buried" in the corner of my room that used to be my sewing corner. Well, I found K1's and K3's easily enough but couldn't find K2's. The baskets for K1 and K2 are identical except in color...blue and yellow. They are actually baskets that my dad macramed for my little brother, Jim, and I back when we were kids. The yellow one was no where to be found... well, not easily anyway and it was 9:00p.m. and we still had eggs to color. So I jokingly asked K2, "Here do you want to use your Halloween pumpkin?" I was joking but despite saying no at first, she then grabbed it from my hands and told K3 and I to stay out of her room for a few minutes. She then bounded into my room and announced... "Introducing... MR. JACK O'BUNNY!!!" He got a pretty huge laugh from me and her dad, whom she then went to show that it was decided that she now had her Easter Basket.

Whew! Thank gawd for that... I still don't know where that other Easter basket is... but I know it will show up sooner or later... Probably right around the time we are looking for her Halloween pumpkin for trick 'n treating. :)

Happy Easter!!

Normally our holidays are spent with one of the in-law families. However, this year J's parents had to work so we didn't get together with them and my family wasn't doing anything together (well, at least not that I had heard anyway). We were able to spend a nice quiet holiday at home for a change.

I wasn't sure what time the kids would wake us up however I did hear the girls during the 7 o'clock hour. Finally at 8:00 a.m. nature's call had to be answered and downstairs I went. There I was accosted by K3 who told me, "GO BACK TO BED! We are having fun!" As I looked around... the baskets were still sitting on chairs where (I assume) the Easter Bunny had still left them, untouched. I asked K3, "What are you doing?" Her reply, "I don't know, but it's fun." I didn't need to be told twice... back to bed I went.

By 9:00 we were all awake, the kids were digging into their baskets (not much candy this year and a video game each)... and getting ready to find the eggs that they colored the night before. I basically slept on the couch through the whole event (still battling this cold). Breakfast consisted of hard boiled eggs after they were found.

The rest of the day has been spent completely at leisure. I got a nap in and some reading. The kids played video games and K3 did some drawing. J has been in the basement sorting thru some boxes. All in all a quiet and completely relaxing holiday.

Right now the ham and scalloped potatoes are on the table just waiting for the bread to finish baking and then we will eat dinner. The only down side the day... our dishwasher decided to break on us today. The kids discovered the joy of having to wash ALL the dishes... *snickers*

I hope everyone else had a great day and that you were able to spend it as you liked.

HAPPY EASTER!!!

Conversations in our House lately...

The Jeans -
J to me... "Why would you let your son buy a pair of pants with holes in them?"

Me: "I wasn't the one buying them. It was his money. The holes weren't inappropriately placed."

K1 received a few GC to Kohl's for his birthday. He bought a few t-shirts, a new belt and a pair of jeans. The jeans in question are Levi's 527...

For me the main consideration in not allowing certain clothing, is any part of it indecent. I didn't think these were ... even the holes near the pockets have material under them. When K1 wanted to buy them, I told him that he needed to know and understand that they would NOT be worn to, at or from school. That leaves only after school or weekends. He said he was fine with that. I also told him they may not last as long since they already had holes... they could easily be caught on something else and ripped further... and if any of those tears became inappropriate, they would not be worn at all. HE agreed to all my terms and still wanted to buy them... no matter the cost. The little shit got lucky though and they were on clearance for $14 (why is it the stuff that I want to buy is never on clearance?) So J is miffed that I allowed K1 to buy the pants. I figure that it is a lesson to him on spending his money (which he is normally pretty tight with). To spend... 30, 40 or 50 dollars (or in this case $14) on a pair of jeans that may not last long... I wouldn't do it but he needs to figure that out on his own. If I tell him no, it will only make them more attractive. Was I wrong? Who knows... we'll find out. And if I was... it's not life or death related... we will all survive the JEANS.

Vacation:
It's pretty late to start planning but if we are doing a vacation this year... we really need to decide now. I was toying with the idea of going to Kentucky and Tennessee to do Mammoth Caves and The Smokies but while researching them in a National Parks book, I came across my new hot idea... Acadia National Park in Maine! Out of all the traveling I have done as a kid, I have never been up in the New England states.The kids like the idea too. K2... "Cool! Then I can eat lobster!" I think we will hit Niagra Falls on the way there... and maybe drive down to Boston or Cape Cod. Then on the way home hit Cedar Point in Ohio, the home of my very first roller coaster, The Corkscrew and K1 says there's one he wants me to try with him(something about tallest, fastest, spiral... ). Our travels would take us up thru Detroit over to Canada...which the kids think will be cool. K2... "I've never been to a foreign country before." and K3..."Will they let us cross the border? Don't we need special permission?" There's still alot of pre-planning to do before we start to make any decisions but we need to do it soon.

Picking classes for next year...
K1 had to pick his classes for freshman year in January while K2 just had to pick her electives last week. On their schedules for next year, both are taking Latin and continuing with band (K1 will have Marching band and Pep band for the first time!) Also, joining them next year will be K3 as she will finally be able to join band in 4th grade. Her big decision will be what instrument to play. We already have a French Horn (K1) and an oboe (K2) and it doesn't help that K1, K2 and especially J are all telling K3 what she should do. I think she should choose whichever seems the most interesting to her. It's not like she can't change her mind 1/2 way thru the year or even the next year.

J is working on the taxes, trying to get them mailed out (and it's not like we even have to pay... We are getting a REFUND for cripe's sake! Can you spell P-R-O-C-R-A-S-T-I-N-A-T-I-O-N???? I am trying to figure out my work situation... I need something daytime... the store will let me move to days but there are things to consider with that... work when the kids are at school but every other weekend? Or no weekends but a 6:00 a.m. start time on the weekdays. Plus, I have been in contact with a fellow BB member about the possibility of going to work for her as an assistant, but I don't want to say more on that until something more happens with it. We haven't talked details yet...just the generalities. But as far as the kids and school, etc. goes... it sounds perfect!

That's about it around here... not a whole lot going on... just another week at our house.

What a Beautiful Weekend!

In the reality of what my friend is facing with losing her great-niece, I was reminded how lucky I am to have healthy, happy children. I tried to focus on that this weekend and just watch and enjoy them.

The weather was perfect... warm 60's yesterday and reaching into the mid 70's today. K2 had a girl scout fitness program yesterday that I didn't have to chaperone. I dropped K1 off at the library to work on his research paper and K3 and I went to my favorite hangout... Barnes and Noble. I bought her a new book, Amelia's 6th Grade Notebook, her new favorite series (at least this week) and a cool bookmark that helps her keep track of her reading minutes. Then we went down to the cafe to have lunch... I can't resist those Turkey, Cheese, Chipotle Panini sandwiches! K3 had a frapuccino and I had iced tea. Then it was time to pick up K1 at the library and take him for a haircut. My preference short!... his preference long (basically take it back up out of his eyes). So I thought to myself... how horrible is it really for his hair to be longer? Is this really worth fighting over? Nah... there will be other fights that I will need to enforce my will... this really doesn't have to be one of them. So when he sat in the chair and she asked how "we" wanted it cut... I told her, "It's his hair.. ask him." The final result... it's not horrible... I really do prefer it short but my little boy is growing up... have to let him "win" some.

Today was even more glorious than the yesterday. Yesterday the kids did manage to find some time to play outside. This morning K1 said to me, "I discovered playing outside." When I asked him what he meant, he said how good it felt to be outside playing and goofing around with his sisters. So after a late breakfast, they were back at it.... climbing trees, playing mini-tennis on the driveway, riding scooters and running like loons throughout the (1 acre) yard. And when K1 and J ran to do errands, I was even invited to play tennis with K2. Normally, I would have declined using dishes or something as an excuse, but not today... today I rejoiced in being able to play with my kids.

In honor of the great weather, we did steaks on the grill and enjoyed a great dinner. Then afterward, despite it being dark, J and I went for a walk. The temps were still in the 70's at 8:00p.m.!! Now my kids are all settled for the night, I Revvved (finally!), showered and am sitting back with a mug of green tea. I am lucky and completely blessed... I have my health... 3 fantastic children... a husband who completely loves me... really... what more do I need?

Well, maybe a piece of chocolate... :)

LIFE... it's a Good Thing!

My Weekend...

I love getting away by myself. I usually come back on Sunday night completely relaxed... recharged and refreshed. Which I did this time too, but also very tired! It's taken me a day to recoup!
The Lodge we go to is owned and operated by a group that also has about 12 cabins, a larger camp building (to house 40 people) and a campground. During the summer, it is mostly rented by summer camp type groups. Our lodge fits at most 14-16 people, although there are beds for more. It is nice with a open kitchen, dining, living room area... although we completely take that over with our tables set up for scrapbooking. The plus is the great fireplace in the corner of the living room which we keep going all weekend long. The grounds it sits on is great for long walks thru the woods however, we purposely plan our trips for colder weather. Most of us want to get pages done and found that when we went during the nicer weather we didn't get quite as much done.



We had 13 ladies participate in our weekend and one (my SIL enjoying Europe) was missing. We have never had 14 and honestly, that is quite enough! We definitely need to put a halt on any more newbies being added to the mix. All involved know a college friend of mine, whether it be from college, school, church or work... LH is the common link. Most of the ladies are scrappers with a few others doing other crafty type things. It is supposed to be a time for us to get away from our kids and husbands... the cooking and the cleaning... the yells of "Mom!"... It is supposed to be a time of relaxation, a time to work on hobbies, a little bit of ME time.

My weekend started off weird. I wasn't prepped like I normally am and just felt disorganized and unfocused when I arrived. It also didn't help that I had been awake for 36 hours from noon on Wednesday til midnight Thursday and then slept only 5 hours that night. On Friday night, after completing one page, a couple of glasses of wine and a little bit of conversation, I was ready for bed before midnight... a first for me! But I got some much needed sleep and felt like I could tackle my craft. Not so. I still struggled for awhile... The creative juices weren't flowing... I just felt stuck. Someone popped in a Sarah McLachlan cd which was a first... usually we spend our time talking and loud music tends to get in the way of that then there are the variety of tastes to compete with. Traditionally people who want music bring a mp3 player for their own use. I don't know what it was but the cd was grating on my nerves. I only knew one song and the rest was like nails on a chalkboard. I finally pulled out my mp3 and tuned out. That worked for about 15 minutes til the battery died. Then when I tried to recharge the battery (via a laptop) it wouldn't work... nothing, nada, zip! I really started to get frustrated at this point... it was back to the cd. During the next hour, my SIL sitting at the same table with me, kept saying how the music was driving her crazy and would I please ask them to turn it off. WTF??? Why does it have to be me? Isn't she an adult that could open her mouth to ask? Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore and had to say something before I blew... so I asked the one who put it on if we could turn it off. She readily agreed. The crazy thing... I had 5 people besides my SIL who all thanked me for asking for it to be turned off. If that many people hated it, why didn't someone ask before me? This is not a quiet, shy bunch... yet no one opened their mouth. Finally after the whole music fiasco, I finally was able to settle in and start turning out some pages. I ended up staying awake until 5:15 a.m. working on my stuff. All but two others had long gone to bed.

As far as the scrapbooking goes, it was a fairly productive weekend. I got 21 pages done (minus the journaling) and have FINALLY completed my Florida vacation album from 3.5 years ago! I just need to finish some journaling and get it all put into an album. But damn, after working on it for 3 years, it feels good to be looking at the end of it.

The other thing, besides the music, that irritated me was the topics of conversation. Normally, we laugh, we joke, we tell stories about our kids and husbands and sometimes we get into serious topics of conversation... but normally we stay away from taboo topics. A couple were brought up this weekend and almost erupted into something more. For example, I don't remember how but abortion was mentioned. How much more taboo can you get? You had some that were on the pro-choice side and others who were on the pro-life side. I tried to stay out of it... it is a highly emotional topic and most people have strong opinions. However, when two of the pro-lifers made comments, one lady(DP) just said "I am not saying anything." Well, it was like throwing blood into the water and seeing the sharks circling. LH is in front of her saying..."What? You can say what you want. It's okay. You can voice your opinion... I think its wrong but you can voice it." Then you have KW behind her trying to get her to enter into the discussion all the time loudly voicing her opinion, "I want someone to tell me at what minute, at what second does it become a baby? When?" Poor DP just kept scrappin away, desperately trying to keep her mouth shut but turning bright red from the effort (which was even pointed out by LH). What was the point of this? Did we really need to get into it? There was no where for this conversation to go... all parties had their opinions, some highly emotional about it and honestly, it was a no win situation. It had the potential of ruining the whole weekend. I think DP did the right thing by staying out of it but it never should have came to that... with the other two ganging up on her (one in her face on the front, one at her back). I wish the topics could be discussed on a healthy less emotional table, it would really be interesting to hear others viewpoints. BUT when you are told right off the bat that your opinion is wrong, you know that the discussion isn't going to go that way.

It is usually at these weekends that I feel the need to make comments of shock value mostly to irritate, gross out my SIL... call me mean, but I so enjoy getting a rise out of her especially since she makes a whole production out of it (putting fingers in her ears and singing "la la la, I'm not listening"). My favorite moment came on Sunday. My SIL is my husband's sister and she doesn't want to know that her brother actually has sex (despite the fact that we have 3 children). So this is the area where I usually try to ruffle her feathers. On Sunday, I asked LJ if her husband was French Canadian (which I knew, but I just needed a lead-in)... When she said yes, I replied that my husband was Australian. Both SIL and LH, looked up and said, "He is NOT!." I then said "Well, he should be since he goes 'down under" so well." *snickers* Mission accomplished... it got laughs, groans and huge "Ewww" from my SIL. Now I will have to start thinking of one for next year. :)

Let it Snow... Let it Snow... Let it Snow!!!

Normally I would not be jumping up and down at receiving over 12 inches of snow but we haven't had that much snow this winter and the last time it snowed this much I was trying to leave town (which I did thru some determination and some AWESOME friends!) so I didn't get to enjoy(??) it. But this time, it fell on a weekend...J's boss took the trip this week so he was home and in all honesty it was really very pretty.

But due to the amounts that fell, we all went out to shovel and it took us 3 hours and it still wasn't done (a little remains yet). This is the joy of having a foot of snow fall on a driveway that is 4000 square feet (one square of it being 40 ft X 40 ft). The temps were actually very mild... I was out in just a turtleneck and sweatshirt. The worst part however was the entrance to the driveway where the plows had piled up the snow 3 ft deep... J, K1 and I took turns at tearing that lovely work down.

The kids never complained the whole time we were out there and actually had some benefit from it. They built a snow fort right outside our backdoor. They used to do this when they were younger but we haven't had enough snow in the last couple of years at any one time for them to build one. This year... no problem.

Here are some pics of our snowfall and their fort... Enjoy!






Our mailbox which sits 52 inches off the ground... thanks to the snow plows it is now almost buried (I suck at editing photos..)













K2 adding a second entry (or escape route???) to the snow fort.

















K3 do some cleanup work on the sidewalk and adding more snow to their fortress.

My New Washing Machine

We really weren't planning on having to buy a new washing machine...our old one was only 5 years old... a baby really. However, it started to bang during spinning out and J said it was time to take it apart and fix it. Originally, it was supposed to cost us about $140 for repairs (J's a do-it-yourselfer) however once he had it completely apart, a few more problems became visible. Repairs were now up to $400 with a huge potential one on the horizon. It wasn't worth our time or money to fix it and decided to upgrade to a larger machine (my laundry loads are only getting larger). We spent the better part of Sunday shopping around at different stores only to find that we had the best service and best price at the very first place we had looked at... an appliance store (which I thought for sure would have higher prices than Home Depot or Lowe's). We went back on Monday night and now just needed to narrow down our choices. We were deciding between a GE and a Whirlpool when J mentions that he had seen a slightly larger machine at a different appliance store for a better price. This store didnt' carry that particular model but had the next upgrade to that one.. the Whirlpool Duet 9400. He immediately offered it for the price of what J had seen the other one (which meant bringing the price down $100) and then said there were an additional $150 in rebates on the machine. Sold!

Our old machine was a front loader as well but a Kenmore and only 3.1 cubic feet. The salesman at Sears told us that our machine was actually made by Frigidaire. He then proceeded to tell us that Sears had switched to Whirlpool made Kenmores a few years ago because they had lots of problems with the Frigidaire ones. Hmmm... maybe that's why ours only lasted 5 years. Whatever the reason, I wasn't going that route again.

Our new machine is once again a front loader... I love the spin (my clothes are better spun out with the front loading) and and the water saving factor as well. However, on this machine we have increased our size to 3.8 cubic feet. Compared to our other one...it is HUGE! My first load of laundry in it was towels. I put in 5 beach sized towels, 8 regular ones and some added dish towels and still had room left for more. The only problem however is that our old dryer doesn't have nearly the same capacity. Hmmm... I wonder if I could talk J into a new dryer. LOL! Our Maytag is over 25 years old! However, that won't work after our delivery man commented on how we had one of the last great dryers. Thanks, dude! I tend to hang most of my laundry during the summer months anyway and J just set up a clothesline in the basement so I can hang some stuff now year round. It will work.

So for the time being, I am loving the laundry. But I'm sure within a week, I will be back to that ho hum factor of it all.

My rants on family...

Now that the Christmas season is officially over... I can finally let loose on those things that happened this year that either upset me or pissed me off. At the forefront of all this would be the actions of my parents. My parents did not come to our family Christmas this year. They had left for South Carolina just two days before. Was there some dire reason they had to leave? Quite frankly, no. You see, the real reason is that my mom detests my SIL that was hosting Christmas this year. And honestly, none of us like her very much, she is bitter and cold. But 11 of my parents grandchildren were going to be there... how could they let petty differences get in the way of that. The other part of this that upset me is that no one would tell me that she was, in fact, not coming. I called one of my brothers, the one who definitely knew, and left a message on his VM asking him if they were going to be there. My brother ignored my phone call and me. Then two days before the party, I had to call that brother again for the cell number of another brother. This time I was able to ask him directly if mom and dad were coming... he stammered a bit and said that he didn't think so, in fact, he thought that they might be leaving that very day. HA! The jerk knew... see at the party, my brother brought out a gift bag for each of the granchildren present. Apparently, my parents arranged to drop them off with his wife that day that I had talked to him. Lies and secrecy... nice little addition to Christmas.

The other incident involved my MIL. Now to be honest, I get along fairly well with my in-laws, in fact, I enjoy spending time with them more than my own parents. However, every now and then one or the other will do or say something that usually sets me off. My in-laws usually save their Christmas shopping til the last week and do it all in one stop. At one point, my MIL said how hard my kids were to shop for(in fact, my kids have fairly extensive gift lists with ideas from clothes to books to games to electronics). So after looking at the gifts I had purchased for my kids, I called my MIL up to offer her a game that I had for my son. At this point, she said "thank you" but that she was buying clothes for all of the kids (which at this point I was sure when she said all the kids, what she meant was MY kids and not all of her grandchildren). She then went on to mention that she was also giving them money.... for COLLEGE... F-O-R --- C-O-L-L-E-G-E.... (I wish that I could have an audio of the way in which it was said... for she dragged it out and it came out rather snidely). At this point, she then asked... "They do have college funds, don't they?" I was surprised at how it was said and that it was asked at all. I didn't know what to say except that yes, in fact, they do. The phone conversation bothered me for a few days and especially so after she called me after their shopping excursion and said that she wanted to take me up on my offer of the gift for my son. I told the kids that part of their gifts from grandma and grandpa was money but that it was supposed to go into their college fund. I did this so the kids knew that they shouldn't consider it part of their everyday savings and announce it as such. (Although I have to admit it was rather funny when K#2 asked me "but what if I don't want to go to college?" But that is a story for another day.)Well, it wasn't bad enough that she said it to me in such a way but on Christmas day when she handed the kids each in envelope with their $20 she stressed and accented with a finger point to each of my kids... "For C-O-L-L-E-G-E!"..."For C-O-L-L-E-G-E!"..."For C-O-L-L-E-G-E!" Why should this upset me I am not exactly sure... as a gift, it is certainly her right to request how the money is to be used. But it was the manner in which it was said to me and my kids.

So despite my frustrations and agitation over both incidents, I am glad that I had some time to stew about them. I was able to work my way thru them and not blow up. My mother is who she is and will continue to do and say things that alienates herself further from my affections. However, no matter my feelings I would never intentionally keep her grandchildren from her. However, if she is going to purposely avoid opportunities to visit with her grandchildren then I am not going to bend over backwards trying to accomodate her. As for my MIL, while I do love her she has always felt free to voice her opionions. For the most part that is fine. However, on some occasions when she has conveyed her feelings, some of her opinions have been hurtful (our wedding and K#1's baptism). Why she felt the need to stress it not once, not twice but three times, I do not know. But rather than cause a rift on Christmas, it seemed easier to let it go (okay, I am still working on it). The only thing that I can do is to learn from these incidents. Try to remember when my children are grown with families of their own how to act, react and phrase questions and concerns.